


Homepark

by Little Keplerette (classycloudcuckoolanderclasso), shippingParaphernalia



Category: Homestuck, South Park, South Park/Homestuck, Southstuck - Fandom, crossover - Fandom
Genre: :), Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Denial of Feelings, Doomed Timelines, Everyone Is Gay, Homepark, Homestuck - Freeform, Homestuck AU, It being the plot and character interactions and whatnot, Kenny Dies, Much like actual Homestuck you're gonna have to wait a while before it starts to hurt, Multi, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship, Or do they? As if I'd just tell you that lmao, Pining, South Park Homestuck Crossover, Unrequited Kismesissitude, Use of slurs that I do not agree with, cursing, everyone dies, more to be added - Freeform, south park - Freeform, south park creek, southstuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-02-28 18:21:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 11
Words: 19,422
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13277223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/classycloudcuckoolanderclasso/pseuds/Little%20Keplerette, https://archiveofourown.org/users/shippingParaphernalia/pseuds/shippingParaphernalia
Summary: Your name is ERIC CARTMAN, and your so-called FRIENDS are really BREAKING YOUR BALLS here.{Also known as the tale of 14 people with various degrees of hatred to one another attempting to play Sburb.}{Will be updated sporadically. Comments are chicken soup for the soul!}





	1. Act 1 Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> *rubbing my gremlin hands together*  
> You can all probably guess what this is  
> -Georgie

A young man stands in his bedroom.

There are not many interesting features about this young man other than the fact that he is completely, obviously, one hundred percent FAT-- or, as he might have you insist, BIG BONED. Probably from all the CAKE AND SHIT he's been eating lately. His BIRTHDAY passed a couple days ago, but he still insists on receiving PRESENTS and PASTRIES from his MOTHER. It should come as a surprise to absolutely no one that this young man is spoiled rotten.

Does anyone know what this young man's name should be?

**== > Reader: Enter name.**   
**== > Fatass**   


Well, fuck you too.

**== > Reader: Try again.**   
**== > Eric Cartman**   


That's better.

Your name is ERIC, and your so-called FRIENDS are really BREAKING YOUR BALLS here.

As mentioned before, it was your BIRTHDAY a couple days ago. You've hit the ripe old age of WHATEVER THE FUCK--age doesn't really matter in times like this, PRESENTS do. And boy, do you get a lot of those. ACTION FIGURES, COMIC BOOKS, STUFFED ANIMALS... Your MOM will buy you anything if you WHINE long enough. Or, as you prefer to call it, STRATEGICALLY POSITION YOURSELF IN FRONT OF HER WHILE MAKING DESPERATE WHALE SOUNDS long enough. And this year has been no exception.

You'd normally be quite pleased with all your new LOOT, except for one small problem. Two hours ago you bought a new GAME.

And now your piece of shit no-good dick-munching queer-licking asshole FRIENDS don't want anything to do with it.

**== > Eric: Throw a fit.**   


You damn well intend to! This GAME was the only copy left. You thought it was a pretty nice thing of you to do: run to the STORE, push aside a couple PEOPLE and burst into TEARS in front of your MOTHER just so you could all play a GAME together. And now they're refusing?

Fuck that noise.

You're going to make them PAY. You're going to play the GAME all by your goddamn self, and have all the fun in the world. You don't need them. You never did. You're a STRONG, INDEPENDENT, BIG-BONED INDIVIDUAL who can do whatever he wants whenever he wants with whomever he wants. Hmph.

**== > Eric: Resume introduction.**   


Right. You got a little side-tracked there.

Along with hating your FRIENDS, you have a multitude of other HOBBIES: PHOTOGRAPHY, GAMING, ROLEPLAYING, SOME FAILED D&D CAMPAIGNING, SHIPPING, and MANSLAUGHTER to name a few.  
  
Oh, and ARGUING. A lot. With a CERTAIN STUCK-UP JEW who you hate more than anything else in the world, maybe even HIPPIES. Well, then again... JEWS, HIPPIES... they're both the same to you. You don't want to show FAVORITISM in your HATRED.

This particular JEW however is even more annoying than all the other JEWS out there. He's a SELF-RIGHTEOUS LITTLE PRICK, and he refuses to let you put him in his place. You have a nagging feeling he's the reason all the others are refusing to play the GAME with you. What if he's MIND-CONTROLLING them? You wouldn't put it past him.

Maybe you should put that feeling to test?

**== > Eric: Pester Jew.**   


You turn on your COMPUTER and log into your PESTERCHUM account. All your FRIENDS use PESTERCHUM on account that SKYPE is more DEAD than a CERTAIN SOMEONE you know and that DISCORD is for FAGGY GAMERS. 

Your chumhandle is authoritarianFinagle, and if your feeling is right, then youre going 2 cut a bitch 2day.

\-- authoritarianFinagle [AF] began pestering analyticalTorah [AT] --   
  
AF: whats the big idea jew boy   
AT: Cartman what the hell do you want.   
AF: gettin the others not to play with me?? does that warm ur cold little dark heart? is this how u get your kicks buttface??   
AT: I have no idea what youre talking about.   
AF: im sure you dont   
AF: bcuz youre always soo innocent right kahl? you can do no wrong! well the cat is out of the bag now and i know exactly what you did   
AT: Look is this going to go on for much longer? I promised OC Id talk to him at 3 and now it's 2:40   
AF: yeah okay kahl!   
AF: go off 2 ruin my birthday some more!   
AF: dick!!!   
AT: Your birthday passed like a week ago dude.   
AF: my birthday can last as long as i want it to!!   
AF: and i want it to last forever so you can lose all ur stolen jew money buying me presents   
AF: how does that sound kahl??   
AT: Just say what you want Cartman I dont have all day.   
AF: of course your highness ill get to it immediately   
AF: wouldnt want 2 waste any more of your precious time devoted to talking to me   
AT: Ughhhhh.   
AF: why did you tell the others not to play the game   
AT: Wait what?   
AF: the game   
AF: i know u did something    
AF: mm and oc r always up for playing with me. everyone is. im a fucking delight 2 play with!   
AF: but from the moment u said you didnt want to play oc refused 2   
AF: and then mm   
AF: so obviously ur mindcontrolling them in some way   
AF: if you dont let them go im telling ur mom kahl!!   
AT: What the hell are you on about?   
AF: LET THEM GO KAHL!!!   
AT: Look fatass its almost 3 and Im really not in the mood for this   
AT: OCs been gone for 4 weeks now and Ive had to put up with your shit alone   
AT: That really takes its toll on a person.   
AF: haha real fuckin creative! almost as creative as MINDCONTROLLING SOMEONE SO THEY WONT PLAY WITH ME ON MY BIRTHDAY!!   
AT: Im not mind controlling anyone.   
AF: yes you are   
AF: or else why would no one want 2 play the game with me?   
AT: Maybe because you always cheat and then blame it on someone else? Just a thought   
AF: fuck you kahl!   
AF: if ur not mindcontrolling them i want str8forward answers!!   
AT: Well stupid, OC isnt even in town. His dad is making them do all sorts of family shit together. He doesnt have time for a long distance video game    
AT: And MM has the worst computer system in town   
AT: And I dont like you   
AF: thats no fucking excuse   
AF: you still hang out with me like every day   
AF: honestly u hang out with me so much that some ppl think ur even gay for me   
AT: They think that because you told them so back when you were trying to force BR and AR together asshole!   
AT: And I looked up your game and couldnt find any information on it so as far as I'm concerned I'm staying as far away from it as I can   
AT: Youre probably trying to give us a virus or something   
AF: wait what   
AT: You heard me   
AT: I dont know what youre planning with this but I refuse to be tricked into it    
AT: Crap its 3:10!   
AT: Gotta go   
AF: FINE!   
AF: but youll pay for this kahl   
AF: youll paaaayyyy

\-- authoritarianFinagle [AF] ceased pestering analyticalTorah [AT] --

**== > Eric: Gripe about how much you hate that guy.**   


God, you HATE that guy!

Just cause he couldn't find any information online about your HELLA SWEET GAME, he has to obviously assume that you're trying to SWINDLE him into getting a VIRUS. Which, for once, you're not. What a douche!

And all that LYING about not using MIND CONTROL on the others to force them to not play with you, and all those STUPID EXCUSES he gave... You could probably have him ARRESTED for that. Is LYING a crime? Probably not. Or else all JEWS would be in jail. Fuck, this is aggravating! You just want to PUNCH something. Preferably him.

But GRIPING and PUNCHING will get you nowhere with people like that. You need to STRIKE BACK in a proper fashion. 

Before, you had one OPTION.

Now, after that ENLIGHTENING CONVERSATION, you have have two.

**== > Eric: Review options.**   


Your OPTIONS are as follows:

a. PLAY THE GAME BY YOURSELF

b. GET OTHER PEOPLE TO PLAY WITH YOU IN HOPES OF GETTING THAT GUY JEALOUS AND MAKING HIM JOIN YOU THEREFORE ALSO GETTING THE REST OF YOUR FRIENDS BEING MINDCONTROLLED TO JOIN YOU AS WELL

And after like two seconds of pondering, you've decided to go with the LATTER. 

You're going to get all the ASSHOLES IN TOWN to play with you if that's what it takes to get THAT GUY to join. The only question now is who to start with.

**== > Eric: Grab game.**   


You grab your GAME from where it's stacked under a pile of OLD COMICS. It has these WEIRD CIRCULAR GREEN SPIRAL DESIGNS on it that make it look so FUCKING SWEET that you find yourself surprised, not for the first time, that no one tried to buy it before you. You must have pushed them out the way before they could even try. Haha, SUCKERS.

Oh, maybe you should CAPTCHALOGUE this GAME instead. Yeah, you want to have your hands free for other COOL SHIT you might find.

**== > Eric: Captchalogue game.**   


You CAPTCHALOGUE the GAME with ease. Your SYLLADEX is one of the best ones in town: you wield the superior ARRAY modus, which allows you to CAPTCHALOGUE anything you want, wherever you want, whyever you want.

It also helps that your MOM goes out buy you more CAPTCHALOGUE CARDS when you start running low. You love your MOM. When she's not being a GIANT SLUT and is doing what you tell her anyway.

After making sure the GAME is securely placed in your INVENTORY (you're not sure if that's the correct terminology and frankly you don't give a shit) you glance around your ROOM to see if there's anything else worth taking.

**== > Eric: Glance around room.**   


Your ROOM is pretty awesome, if you do say so yourself.

The WALLS are decorated with posters of your Lord and Savior MEL GIBSON (even if he ended up being a little bit FUCKING BANANAS), old TERRENCE AND PHILLIP MOVIE PROMOS, and some SCHOOL PHOTOS your MOM insisted you hang up. It ended up working in your favor: You got the chance to draw DICKS in a certain JEW'S mouth and HAIRY BALLS in everyone else's. Except THIS ONE GIRL'S. Not that she was special or anything. She's just your STUPID EX. 

...

You should stop staring at those SCHOOL PHOTOS.

**== > Eric: Captchalogue stuffed animals..**   


Uh, fuck that.

Your STUFFED ANIMALS are safe here. Far away from people who might try to HURT them, or TOUCH them with their GRIMY HANDS, or STARE at them for too long. You'd never take them out of this HOUSE for any other reason than to host one of your famed TEA PARTIES.

**== > But what if they get lonely?**   


They have each other. They'll be fine.

And if they're not--well, that's a problem for another day. Right now you've got to STRIKE BACK AT THE JEW. You've wasted enough time as it is.

**== > Eric: Go outside.**   


You creep noiselessly down the HALL and STAIRS so you can look REALLY KEWL AND MYSTERIOUS. Your MOM'S not home, which is a relief. You don't feel like STRIFING with her right now.

...

Okay, who are you kidding? You definitely feel like STRIFING with her right now. You always feel like STRIFING with her. You always feel like STRIFING with everyone!

 ~~Even though you always lose.~~ ~~Shut up.~~

What the hell is more important than being at home and caring for her CHILD? This woman doesn't deserve the title of MOTHER. Maybe you should call her and give her a piece of your mind.

**== > Eric: Call mother.**   


No, goddammit, you can't afford any more distractions!

With an ~~ACROBATIC FUCKING PIROUETTE~~ MANLY LEAP you find yourself at the DOOR and with a quick, practiced GESTURE open it to reveal the GRAND OUTDOORS. 

You are now OUTSIDE. What will you do?

**== > Author: End chapter on shitty cliffhanger and beg for comments.**   


 ;)

**== > Editor: Sideeye the author before moving on to editing the next chapter.**   


>:/c 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT 06/06/18: Started editing the formatting to match later chapters.  
> \- Classo


	2. Act 1 Part 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The comments I received were so supportive and nice, so here's another chapter--faster than I was planning it!  
> Seriously though, THANK YOU!!  
> -Georgie

Where were we, where were we...

Oh. Right. Your name is ERIC, and you're now OUTSIDE.

**== > Eric: Examine neighborhood.**   


Your NEIGHBORHOOD isn't anything special.

Just your average COLORADO REDNECK TOWN filled with your average COLORADO REDNECK WEIRDOS. You got your DRUNKIES, your GAYS, your ONE BLACK FAMILY, and even an ORGANIC FOOD store. Nothing new to peruse.

Although it's SUMMER, not many people are out and about today. They're probably off on VACATION, if that's what CAMPING OUT IN THE WOODS counts as anyway. Almost everyone here is too POOR to be able to afford better. 

You make your way down the BLOCK.

You're actually not sure who you're looking for. Literally ANYONE will do for carrying out your PLAN. You'll probably end up recruiting the first SUCKER that crosses your PATH-- you can only pray it's not some piece of shit like SCOTT TENORM--

**== > Author: Switch these characters up already.**   


You (the READER, not the FATASS known as ERIC CARTMAN) suddenly find yourself faced with a MYSTERIOUS NEW CHARACTER.

This young man is also standing in his room. Poor dear is probably GROUNDED. He has a SOFT HEART and more often than not finds himself being PULLED AROUND LIKE A FUCKING PUPPET thanks to it. A perfect addition to Cartman's plan of recruitment, perhaps?

**== > Reader: Enter name.**   
**== > A good boy**   


Aw, shucks! 

Might want to try for a different name though... if this young man's PARENTS knew he was getting complimented by STRANGERS ON THE INTERNET he'd probably get GROUNDED. Again.

**== > Reader: Rename the good boy.**   
**== > Reader: Get rudely interrupted before managing to rename the good boy.**   


You have just been rudely interrupted by switching to a CERTAIN JEW and his PESTERLOG SHENANIGANS just after having been switched to the MYSTERIOUS NEW CHARACTER. The author is having quite a good time with all this TIME-YANKING. 

Would you like to read the JEW'S PESTERLOG?

Not that you know who the JEW is, of course.

**== > Yeah, sure, whatever.**   


The AUTHOR proudly presents to you the PESTERLOG SHENANIGANS that are unfolding while our BIG-BONED PROTAGONIST attempts to get his show on the road. They feature two SUPER BEST FRIENDS.   
And, without further ado and because the AUTHOR is running low on witty stuff to say, here they are.

\-- ostentatiousCynic [OC] began pestering analyticalTorah [AT] --

OC: hey  
OC: hello  
OC: dude?  
OC: dude youre the one who insisted we meet up at exactly 3:00  
OC: bailing on me now seems kind of like a dick move   
OC: you know what im counting to 5 then leaving  
OC: cant risk wasting mobile data and battery on this  
OC: one  
OC: two  
OC: three  
OC: four  
AT: Im here Im here!!  
AT: Sorry dude, just got held up with cartmans bullshit  
AT: Hes such an idiot sometimes I forget why were friends with him.  
OC: whatd he do now  
AT: He thinks Im mindcontrolling you guys so you dont play that virus infested game with him   
OC: ??? he knows im out of town right  
OC: i cant play any long distance video game  
OC: virus infested or not  
OC: and mm barely has a computer to begin with  
AT: Thats what I told him but surprise! He didnt listen.  
OC: lol   
AT: Anyway whats up with you?  
AT: If I have to talk anymore about Cartman Im gonna explode  
OC: nothing much  
OC: dads being an idiot   
OC: hes convinced this trip will """help us bond"""  
AT: Is it?  
OC: if by bonding you mean nearly getting us decked by fucking raccoons then yeah hes doing terrific  
AT: Holy crap dude!  
AT: What happened  
OC: dad left out our pizza and raccoons smelled it  
OC: so next thing you know our tent is crawling with these little black and white assholes  
OC: mom tried to hit them with her book but dad said that wed come out here to be a part of nature and being a part of nature meant that we couldnt go around killing stuff with our manmade conquer devices  
OC: or something like that anyway  
OC: it was kind of hard to hear him over shellys screaming  
AT: Whoa  
OC: so then dad tried to ""peacefully show them the way out of our tent"" but one of the raccoons leaped up and bit him on the leg  
OC: and he kicked it so far out of our tent i never saw it land  
OC: pretty sure he killed it  
AT: That bastard  
OC: yeah  
OC: then it was just a matter of everyone kicking raccoons   
AT: Where were you in all this  
OC: filming it lol  
AT: Hahahahaha  
AT: Send me the video  
AT: Might help me take my mind off of Cartmans dumb shit of the day  
OC: im worried i might use up all my mobile data  
OC: theres no wifi in the woods remember  
AT: Dude what I dont get is why your dad decided to take you all camping out of town to some woods  
AT: When we literally have the same fucking thing a couple blocks away  
OC: im telling you, our parents are such idiots sometimes i wonder how we turned out so okay  
AT: Genetics I guess  
OC: i guess  
AT: What happened after you kicked out all the raccoons   
OC: mom called dad out on being hypocritical   
OC: "oh so i cant hit a raccoon with a book but you can kick them with your mountain boots" etc etc  
AT: I mean shes not wrong   
OC: i know  
OC: but i was too busy filming that too to back her up lol  
AT: Haha  
AT: Dude summer sucks without you here  
AT: How much longer till you get back?  
OC: few more days  
OC: shit dads coming  
OC: talk to you tomorrow same time?  
AT: Yeah  
AT: Hang in there man.  
OC: you too  
OC: bye  
AT: Bye

\-- ostentatiousCynic [OC] ceased pestering analyticalTorah [AT] --

**== > Okay, now that that's over, let's check on that mysterious new character again.**   


Sorry, that CHARACTER is LOCKED again. You'll just have to wait until he shows up again sometime later in the fic.

Such are the pains of having an AUTHOR who multitasks as LAZY ASSHOLE.

**== > Reader: Return to your protagonist somewhat dejectedly.**   


You are now ERIC CARTMAN again.

You're still making your way down the STREET-- not much has changed in that REGARD. You checked your PHONE a couple times, but no one has bothered MESSAGING you. Which is fine. You didn't want to get distracted anyway.

Seriously, why the fuck haven't you bumped into anyone yet? At this point you'd even settle for SCOTT TENORMAN.

Hmm...

Maybe you're approaching this SITUATION from the wrong angle.

Princes, after all, don't just walk around until they bump into princesses to rescue. They plan that shit out strategically. They pay a dragon to kidnap the princess, then fight it, then win the princess over by pretending to beat it when it was all actually a part of their previously contracted agreement, then get married and live happily ever after--and okay, that metaphor went nowhere.

What you're trying to say is, they have a STEP BY STEP PLAN. Which is more than you have at the moment. 

Maybe you should make one too.

**== > Eric: Formulate step-by-step plan.**   


Right.

If you want to recruit people into playing your game and making THAT GUY jealous, it probably wouldn't help to recruit any old FUCKER anyway. You need to make sure you choose INSPIRING, INFLUENTIAL people THAT GUY looks up to. Or at least doesn't hate.

That raises a new question. Who does THAT GUY look up to, or at least doesn't hate?

You know he's ~~gay for~~ close with OC, but the whole point of this MAKE THE JEW JEALOUS RECRUITMENT PLAN is to get him and that OTHER POOR FUCK on your team to begin with. Since they're being MIND-CONTROLLED, it's next to impossible to get them to join of their own FREE WILL. You'll come back to that later.

Hmmmm....

Maybe THE CRIPPLE?

You've seen him hang out with THAT GUY a couple times. He's an OKAY DUDE. Stubborn as hell and not very FUNNY, but still OKAY. Convincing him to join should be a piece of cake. Not to mention that he hangs out with THOSE OTHER ASSHOLES-- getting all of them on your side should provide more than enough CAUSE FOR JEALOUSY.

Okay, _now_ you're getting somewhere. 

**== > Eric: Review new objective.**   


Your new OBJECTIVE is as follows: find the CRIPPLE, get him to join you, then send him off to recruit his ASSHOLE FRIENDS. Perfect. By the end of this, you should have like FIVE MORE PEOPLE-- FIVE MORE REASONS to get THAT GUY jealous. It's practically foolproof.

Now you just gotta find the CRIPPLE. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments motivate me to continue!
> 
> EDIT 06/06/18: Formatting edited to match later chapters.  
> \- Classo


	3. Act 1 Part 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me? Taking forever to introduce a new character? It's more likely than you think  
> -Georgie

**== > Eric: Locate the cripple's whereabouts.**   


Well, it's not like he has much of anywhere to go, right? He's fucking CRIPPLED. That takes away quite a few of his options.

Then again, this particular CRIPPLE is pretty hardcore. You saw him beating up that other CRIPPLE once, and that cemented your resolution not to fuck with him. He has a love for BAD COMEDY, and a thirst for BLOOD.

Maybe you should check his HOUSE. Even if he's not home, his PARENTS should be able to tell you where he is, right?

**== > Eric: Check the cripple's house.**   


Thanks to the TINY SIZE OF YOUR TOWN it only takes like TWENTY MINUTES to walk from one end of it to the other, and on this occasion it takes even less since the CRIPPLE'S HOUSE isn't at either end.

You slowly make your way towards the RED ABODE.

The CRIPPLE and his family moved in there pretty recently, although you can't quite pinpoint the date. Sometime in the middle of FOURTH GRADE you should think. Or was it THIRD? Time has always been a tricky subject for you to tackle. It's like you're always stuck in one particular year even when that year should be technically finished... or something.

Finally reaching the DOOR, you extend a fist and knock a couple times. No reply.

You try again. Nothing.

What the fuck.

**== > Eric: Attempt to reach the cripple by other means.**   


Pulling out your PHONE, you scroll to the CRIPPLE'S PESTERCHUM account (he's called himself forthrightWisecracker--what a FAG) and click on it. Yeah, he's definitely ONLINE. Maybe you ought to give him a piece of your mind. That'll show him what he gets for ignoring you.

You quickly type out a MESSAGE.

\-- authoritarianFinagle [AF] began pestering forthrightWisecracker [FW] --   
  
AF: y the fuck are u not opening the door 2 ur house you asshole!!

A second later, he replies.

FW: A bbetter question might be, why the fffuck are you at the ddoor to my house to begin with. XP   
AF: its a free country dicklick i can be at anyones house i want   
AF: now answer the door b4 i kick ur ass!!   
FW: I cccant.   
AF: why not???   
FW: I'm nnot at the house. Neither are my pparents. They're out shshopping, and I'm waiting for HA so we can hang out at the pppark.   
AF: oh 4 fucks sake!!    
AF: wait   
AF: wait a sec   
AF: .....   
AF: u know what. this is fine. this is totally ok. just... stay there   
FW: Why?   
AF: bcuz ive got biiiiig news abt this hella sweet game tht i want all my best friends to play   
FW: We're bbest friends?   
AF: ofc dude! you me and ha. were so tight its crazy   
FW: I ththought you hated HA.   
AF: no were tight. he gave me a hickey once remember   
FW: Ehehehe, thats gggay. XP   
AF: no dumbass its a thing best friends do. u wouldnt get it bc ur slightly lower than him on my best friends list   
AF: now shut up and w8 4 me with ha at the park   
FW: Alright. BBBut only bbbecause I'm curious.

**== > Eric: Go to park.**   


God fucking damn it, that's like all the way across town! You wish you still had your MOBILITY SCOOTER, that thing was so kewl. Unfortunately people got something called a CONSCIENCE and you had to give it up. 

On the bright side, you now get to kill TWO BIRDS with one STONE. FW said HA would be there too. You were hoping to avoid HA at first on account of him being a GIANT PUSSY, but when life gives you lemons, you work with them, damn it. And even though HA is a GIANT PUSSY, you also happen to know a certain ORANGE HOODED SOMEONE who quite enjoys spending time with GIANT PUSSIES. Maybe, if you recruit HA, you could get this ORANGE HOODED SOMEONE too, without even having to make the JEW jealous.

Well, actually, you'll still have to make the JEW jealous in order to get him and HIS ~~BOY~~ FRIEND, but it'll be so much easier if someone close to them is on your team. You just need to trust that the ORANGE HOODED SOMEONE'S feelings for the GIANT PUSSY are so intense, they even resist JEWISH MIND CONTROL.

This is almost TOO EASY.

Stuffing your PHONE back in your pocket, you start walking to the PARK.

**== > Reader: Sigh in frustration.**   


The sighs of FRUSTRATION from the READERS hoping to finally encounter a NEW CHARACTER instead of trailing after a BORING FATASS all day can be heard from space at this point. And the AUTHOR finally decides to relent, both from boredom at only writing ONE CHARACTER, and from lack of ideas surrounding that ONE CHARACTER. Here you go, you gremlins: a NEW CHARACTER.

Be nice to him.

**== > Reader: Return to the good boy.**   


You are back in the GOOD BOY'S bedroom.

He's still there, twiddling his thumbs and waiting to see if the HEAVENS will bestow upon him a new NAME other than GOOD BOY. 

Well? Will they?

**== > Heavens: Bestow upon the good boy a new name.**   
**== > Butters Stotch**   


That's you!

Your name is BUTTERS, and you're pretty sure the AUTHOR had no original intention of introducing you so early. You're not complaining, though. Your share of the SPOTLIGHT is small enough as it is without you refusing it.  
You have a number of HOBBIES, but you'd rather not get into them right now. Your PARENTS might GROUND YOU if they knew you were revealing information about yourself to STRANGERS. You will, however, admit to a sheepish love of SINGING, DANCING, and BENNIGANS--the last one not being a HOBBY, but a love of yours nonetheless. 

You're currently locked in your ROOM on account of you being a not-so-GOOD BOY: you alphabetized the PANTRY wrong again, and your DAD had no choice but to GROUND YOU. Not that you blame him. How else is a DELINQUENT like you meant to learn his lesson? Still, it's pretty lonely up here--it's SUMMER, and in SUMMER you're supposed to be able to hang out with all your FRIENDS.

Oh well.

You're probably not missing out on anything anyway.

**== > Butters: Continue working on your newest composition.**   


Since you've been locked in your ROOM for almost THREE HOURS now, you've had plenty of time to work on your LATEST SONG and, not to brag, but you're pretty sure this one will be a HIT.

So far, you've got:

_Lu lu lu, i've got some kittens_

_Lu lu lu, you've got some too_

It's meant to be a POIGNANT METAPHOR on taking things for granted. You're pretty proud of how it's turning out so far, but a few minutes ago you got WRITER'S BLOCK and haven't been able to write a WORD since. It's hard being a SONG WRITER. It's hard and no one understands.

Maybe it'd be easier to write the next line if you had a MELODY to go with it. You used to have a pretty standard one-- you found yourself humming it time and time again and eventually it ended up becoming the standard MELODY for all your SONGS to go with, apple-related or not. But lately you've been trying to branch out.

Oh, you've got an idea!

You can contact your TWITCHY SONGWRITER FRIEND to help you add a melody. You heard him perform a song at the school TALENT SHOW a while ago with his BOYFRIEND. They were both really good, but since you're 99.8% sure your TWITCHY FRIEND was the one who _wrote_ the song for his BOYFRIEND to sing, you think you'll turn to him instead of the latter. The latter would probably just tell you to FUCK OFF anyway.

**== > Butters: Contact twitchy friend.**   


Wait. Aw hamburgers, you can't. You forgot you're GROUNDED.

But your PARENTS never said your COMPUTER was offlimits... They just sent you up to your ROOM and locked you in it. No COMPUTERS were ever mentioned.  
You'd normally ask them about the extent of this particular GROUNDING (are you allowed to talk to your FRIENDS so long as they're not physically there with you?) but the door, like you said, is locked, and you're pretty sure your PARENTS aren't home to begin with-- or at least, your DAD'S not. And he's the one in charge of the GROUNDINGS.

Maybe you should just go for it. By the time your DAD gets home, you'll be done talking to your TWITCHY FRIEND. You just want to ask him if he has any suggestion for a melody to go along with your SONG. That shouldn't take too long, right? And it's not like you're disobeying your DAD'S orders...

You decide to go for it.

**== > Butters: Contact twitchy friend (again).**   


You turn on your COMPUTER. It's kind of old, and lots of ADS tend to accumulate on it, but you're still grateful for it. Your very own COMPUTER! Gee, it was like a dream come true when your PARENTS gave it to you.

Clicking away from several ADS with women in various forms of nudity, you type in PESTERCHUM and wait for it to load. You used to have SKYPE before your FRIENDS announced it to be dead, then DISCORD before they claimed it was for FAGGY GAMERS. Now you have PESTERCHUM. It's kind of cool, so you don't really mind having to delete two other accounts in favor of it. You like being able to type in color.

After logging yourself in (you go by the handle of hopefulAcquiescence, and you really like showin' how happy you are to talk to your friends with a multitude of happy emojis :D), you go to search up your TWITCHY FRIEND'S handle and begin the PESTERING.

But wait. Who's this person trying to contact you for the last fifteen minutes?

Perplexed, you click on their chat.

\-- forthrightWisecracker [FW] began pestering hopefulAcquiescence [HA] --

FW: Bbbutters?   
FW: I'm at the pppark like we said. I ccan't see you though. Are you ggoing to be running late?   
FW: If you leave me hhhanging here, you're kind of a dddick.   
FW: Hello?   
FW: Answer me wwhen you can.   
FW: (DDick.)

**== > Butters: Hit yourself on the head.**   


Oh double hamburgers! You forgot you were going to meet up with your OTHER FRIEND at the park. Now you really feel like the scum of the earth.

Better explain the situation to him. You're sure he'll understand.

HA: heya fw! :D   
FW: Wwhere are you? My cccrutches are melting. XP   
HA: i'm sorry D: guess i forgot to tell you i'm grounded huh D':   
FW: Gggrounded? For what?   
HA: i organized the dumb pantry wrong   
HA: and if i try to sneak out my dad'll ground me again    
HA: and i'm this close to bein' ungrounded!! DD:   
FW: Wwhy are you online tthen?   
HA: oh uh i was hopin' to ask pa for help with my newest song!    
HA: since he's a songwriter 'n all :D   
FW: So you're gggrounded, but you can hang out with PA.   
FW: Instead of mme.   
FW: Seems....ssuspicious, mmight I say?   
HA: oh nononono!! that's not what it's like at all! D:   
HA: i'm just gonna ask him for a melody then skedaddle back to bein' grounded! promise!! DD:   
FW: Ccchill out, BBButters, I'm just ppulling your leg. XP   
HA: D:<   
FW: Just one qqquestion though for real.   
FW: How can PA help you wwith your sssong when he's not ttthere with you?    
HA: huh?   
FW: You want him to gggive you a melody, right?   
HA: right :D   
FW: How cccan he gggive you one over ccchat? How will you hear it?   
HA: ...   
HA: aw triple hamburgers!!    
HA: i never thought o' that!! D:    
FW: Tttell you what. How about you mmmeet me at the ppark and tttogether we go find PA for your melody?   
FW: Hold on, I'm getting another message.   
HA: well i'd really like that!   
HA: but i'm still grounded D:   
HA: can you make it tomorrow??    
FW: Update: Eric CCCartman wants us to meet him at the pppark.   
HA: what?? why???    
FW: I'm not sure. He's acting very bbbizarre.   
FW: TTThen again, when isn't he, am I right? XP   
HA: what's he sayin'??   
FW: He cccalled us his best friends and apapparently wants to share a ggame with us?   
FW: Ehehe, ffive bucks says that AT refused to play and he's just trying to ggget all of us to play tttogether to make him jjjealous.   
HA: aw no, don't say that! D:    
HA: i, i think it's awful nice o' him to turn to us first for once! :D   
HA: i've never been anyone's best friend before!! :DD   
FW: How odd, I ttthought *we* were pretty ggood pals.   
HA: oh we definitely are!! :D   
HA: but you have, well, your own group! fo and those guys!   
HA: and i think fo has a bone to pick with me D:   
FW: FO has a bbbbone to pick with everyone.    
FW: Especially his bbbboyfriend.    
FW: XP XP XP   
HA: hahahaha!! i don't get it :D   
FW: Updated update: I tttold Eric we'll wait for him.   
FW: I'm ccurious to what he'll say.   
HA: wait no!!   
HA: fw you gotta take it back! i can't make it!! D:   
FW: Why nnnot?   
HA: because i'm still grounded, gosh darn it!!!! DD:<    
FW: Hold on, I'll ttext him.   
FW: Updated updated update: He says he'll "fffuck your shit up if you don't get your ass over there."    
HA: oh gee D:"   
HA: what do i do??   
FW: HHow should I know?    
HA: oh gee oh gee oh gee DD:"   
FW: Hhold on, I just saw the bbbest picture for the cover of the school magazine. Gotta go!!   
HA: wait, no, i, i, don't know what to do!! D:"

\-- forthrightWisecracker [FW] ceased pestering hopefulAcquiescence [HA] --

**== > Butters: Panic.**   


Oh god. Oh jeez. Oh gosh. 

You can't leave your room, or you'll get even more GROUNDED. But you can't stay here, or your BEST FRIEND (?) will do something not very nice to your shit. Boy, are you in a pickle.

You log off of PESTERCHUM hurriedly, all thoughts of adding a MELODY to your song forgotten. You have much bigger fish to fry right now.

What will you do?

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Give me comments, I give you chapters. It's a symbiotic relationship :')
> 
> EDIT 06/06/18: Edited the formatting to match later chapters.  
> \- Classo


	4. Act 1 Part 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This update didn't take forever, what are you talking about
> 
> -Georgie

**== > Butters: Abscond adorably.**

Okay, but _how_? Your DOOR is locked, you're still technically GROUNDED, and you're pretty sure there's no one home to UNGROUND you _or_ unlock your DOOR. It's a lost cause. You guess you'll just have to PRAY for your BEST FRIEND (?) to show you mercy.

Like that's happening.

**== > Butters: What would Professor Chaos do?**

Aw gee, PROFESSOR CHAOS is a whole other matter. He doesn't take no nonsense from nobody!

He's STRONG, and COOL, and everything you wish you could be on a daily basis but can't because your PARENTS would definitely GROUND you. Just getting to be him once in a while is a special treat, though. 

Maybe you should try being him now. Just so you can check what he'd do.

**== > Butters: Equip hat.**

You reach into your SYLLADEX and, after throwing a bunch of other stuff to the FLOOR accidentally, pull out your TRUSTY TINFOIL CHAOS HAT.

You made it quite a while ago, but are proud on how well it's held up: the tinfoil hasn't gotten squished, and the brooch is as shiny as the day you bought it. You also have a CAPE, but that's buried somewhere in the depths of your SYLLADEX that you're too lazy (and short on time) to explore. 

If only you had a better SYLLADEX. You have the basic but boring STACK MODUS, which can be a giant pain in the bottom when you want to retrieve stuff that isn't front and center. Your PARENTS had promised to buy you a neater one for your BIRTHDAY, but forgot. Not that you blame them. Your BIRTHDAY, September 11, is hardly a cause for CELEBRATION. 

You slowly place the HAT on your head, revelling in the memories it stirs up. Boy oh boy, did you show the other fellas! Your EVIL SCHEMES sure were a thing to behold. Some of them backfired (you'd never planned to get a SHURIKEN stuck in your EYE leading to you being partially BLIND), but you'd say the majority were carried out with overwhelming success. You've even got your own SIDEKICK, for heaven's sake! 

Now let's just see what PROFESSOR CHAOS has to say about all this.

**== > Professor Chaos: What do you have to say about all this?**

PROFESSOR CHAOS says....

Who gives a damn about your PARENTS and their stupid GROUNDINGS? You hate the GUTS of all the others, but you'd ten times rather play with them than comply with your DUMB OL' PARENTS' RULES. 

One escape, coming right up.

**== > Professor Chaos: Plan your escape.**

Hmm. Considering your DOOR is locked and nobody is HOME, you guess you'll just have to use the WINDOW.

BUTTERS was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this on account of his VAGUE ACROPHOBIA and fear of falling to his DEATH, but as PROFESSOR CHAOS you have no such petty fears. To the WINDOW you go!

Oh, hold on, maybe you should CAPTCHALOGUE your COMPUTER too. Just in case.

**== > Professor Chaos: Captchalogue computer.**

You do, and then flinch as an uneaten plate of SPAGHETTI is expelled from the back of your SYLLADEX to the FLOOR. Oh man, what a mess. Why did you even have that captchalogued? You're pretty sure it had something to do with ERIC, but you can hardly remember what now.

You should probably clean this up now. Your PARENTS will be awful sore at you if you don't...

Wait, you're breaking character. PROFESSOR CHAOS wouldn't care about a stupid plate of spaghetti. PROFESSOR CHAOS would laugh at the mess and stomp in it.

You make a point of ignoring the stringy pieces as you turn to the WINDOW, open it, and brace yourself to climb out. You're one of the LESS LUCKY guys on the block-- you don't have a TREE to climb. You're just going to jump straight out and hope to land in a good patch of SNOW.

Oh brother. The things you do for friendship. Not that you need their approval or anything.

**== > Professor Chaos: Abscond ~~adorably~~.**

You perch yourself at the windowsill, take a deep breath, try not to stare down and--

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAA

AAAA

AAA

AAAAAAHHHHhhhhhhhowch.

**== > Reader: Be the confused guinea pig kid.**

You are now the CONFUSED GUINEA-PIG KID.

You're both very into guinea-pigs, and, after seeing your friend BUTTERS leap from his window screaming and wearing a tinfoil hat while on your way back home, very confused.

You decide to continue walking.

**== > Reader: Go back to being Butters.**

You're not BUTTERS, you're PROFESSOR CHAOS, and you're pretty sure you sprained something.

Your LEFT LEG is really numb.

**== > Professor Chaos: Pick yourself up.**

You try to remind yourself that you've been through worse, and that this isn't anything you can't handle, but your LEG still feels like someone shoved a bunch of needles in it.

 Maybe... Maybe you should call for help.

No, you can't do that. PROFESSOR CHAOS would never ask for help from anyone. He doesn't need their approval. If you dared choked down your pride and seek help, you'd at least turn to your SIDEKICK, GENERAL DISARRAY-- and he's out of town for the summer. 

Oh damn it. You just gotta do everything by yourself, dontcha.

Slowly picking yourself up, and ignoring the sharp sting that follows, you begin to limp towards the PARK. This GAME better be worth it.

**== > Reader: Return to Eric Cartman.**

You are now ERIC CARTMAN again.

Not much has changed in the last twenty minutes. The CRIPPLE told you that the GIANT PUSSY might not be able to make it, but you put them both in their place. No one stands you up and gets away with it.

You're only a block away from the PARK now, and-- oh, you spotted the CRIPPLE. He seems to be taking a picture of a SQUIRREL, which is weird, but honestly at this point he could be riding a UNICYCLE while singing the NATIONAL ANTHEM and you wouldn't care.

You take the GAME out of your SYLLADEX. Time to advertise the goods. You still can't see the GIANT PUSSY, but you're sure he's on his way. He knows you'll kick his ass if he's not. 

Now just to make sure you sound nice and persuasive...

**== > Eric: Approach the cripple.**

ERIC: why hellooo fw!!   
CRIPPLE: Yyknow, you dddont have to call me that. We're not on PPPesterchum anymore.   
ERIC: i know but it sounds so kewl   
ERIC: so how r u???   
CRIPPLE: Well, I've been doing spspsplendid. I believe I've just found the ppperfect cover for the school magazine.   
ERIC: the skewl magzine?? dude its like summer. skewl is years away lolol    
CRIPPLE: Don't bbbe so sure, Eric. School will be upon us bbefore we even know it.   
CRIPPLE: And likewise, so will bbbe ssssubmissions for the school magazine. I too have to do my pppart.   
ERIC: yah like anyone wants 2 submit 2 that crappy thing haha   
CRIPPLE: >:P    
ERIC: uh ahem i mean   
ERIC: so fuckin sweet    
ERIC: maybe ill also submit somethin    
CRIPPLE: Really? You wwwould?    
CRIPPLE: We cccould use all the submissions we ggget our hands on.   
ERIC: suuuure fw!! id love to help a best friend out   
CRIPPLE: Excellent!   
CRIPPLE: So, now ttthat that's out of the way...   
CRIPPLE: Wwhy are you dddoing this?   
ERIC: doing what    
CRIPPLE: This. This right here. You're tttrying to get me on your side fffor something. It's ffffrighteningly obvious.   
ERIC: cant a boy just offer 2 help his best friend just out of the kindness of his heart???   
ERIC: i mean u and me r best friends right    
CRIPPLE: Right. Wwhats my last name?   
ERIC: oh not this shit again!!!   
CRIPPLE: I'm sssorry, Eric, bbut I'm not sure how much I ttrust you. You only ccall me your best friend when you want to get something out of it. Same goes for BBButters.   
ERIC: what about butters??   
CRIPPLE: You always ttake advantage of him. And each time you do, you cccall him your bbbest friend.   
ERIC: bullshit!   
ERIC: its not like i force him 2 do anything anyway!! he always offers!!!! its a free country dicklick!!!!!!   
ERIC: where is he btw   
CRIPPLE: I ttttold you, fella. He's grounded.   
ERIC: and i told you FELLA tht i dont care and im going 2 kick his ass if he doesnt show up   
CRIPPLE: Ggguess you're kicking his ass ttthen.   
ERIC: guess i am!!!!   
ERIC: but real talk now fw. lets not rush 2 judgement here! i know ive said a lot of stuff abt butters in the past and ur right. i have been using the Best Friends label a lil 2 lightly    
ERIC: but i do really mean it about u!! ur definitely my best friend in this town fw swanson   
CRIPPLE: Ssswanson?   
ERIC: thats ur last name isnt it   
CRIPPLE: Nope.   
ERIC: oh   
ERIC: fuck    
CRIPPLE: XP   
ERIC: anyways that doesnt even matter!!!!   
ERIC: the point is screw butters. ur my total best friend and i really want 2 play this game with u. tht is...... if u let me?   
CRIPPLE: ...   
CRIPPLE: I have to admit, the dddesign on that copy looks stststartlingly sweet.   
ERIC: right???? so hella sweet   
CRIPPLE: Fine. I'll play your gggame.   
ERIC: oh thank u so much!   
ERIC: and as proof tht im doing this bc ur my best friend ill even let u get ur other asshole friends to play with us :))))   
ERIC: as a show of good faith u know    
CRIPPLE: GGGee, Eric. That's actually qquite nice of you.    
ERIC: ya just dont invite 2 many of those assholes ok    
ERIC: i dont want them all ruining my game    
CRIPPLE: Will BBButters be playing too?    
ERIC: no way. fuck that guy. he didnt even show up!! he only thinks abt himself hes such a dick. i was totally lying when i called him my best friend    
BUTTERS: FELLAS, FELLAS! I MADE IT!!! :D    
BUTTERS: dumb ol' parents don't got nothin' on PROFESSOR CHAOS!!!! :D :D    
ERIC: .....    
CRIPPLE: .......   
ERIC: *sigh*   
ERIC: butters!!!!! oh man im so glad you made it. since ur my best friend and all 

**== > Professor Chaos: Be Butters.**

You take off your HAT and become BUTTERS again. Your LEG is killing you, and your CRIPPLED FRIEND is giving ERIC a really weird look, but none of that matters right now.

What matters is that you made it, and now you get to play an awesome GAME with your self-proclaimed BEST FRIEND.

Gosh, it's so nice to be wanted. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *grabby hands*  
> blease....gimme that sweet sweet feedback
> 
> EDIT 06/20/18: Edited the formatting to match later chapters.  
> \- Classo


	5. Act 1 Part 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know there's like no major plot in this, but I wrote it in class
> 
> -Georgie

BUTTERS: sorry for bein' late! it took me a while to find a way outta my house D:   
CRIPPLE: Really, how dddid you get out of your house? YYyou said your dddoor was locked.   
BUTTERS: it was!   
BUTTERS: it still is!!   
BUTTERS: i had ta jump out the window D:   
ERIC: yes thats very nice and all butters. thank u 4 ur dedication    
BUTTERS: no problem eric!! :D   
CRIPPLE: Is ttthat why you're limping?   
BUTTERS: yeah D:    
ERIC: kewl we can focus on tht later    
ERIC: the point 4 now is that i want you as my BEST FRIEND to play this hella sweet game with me   
CRIPPLE: Eric, I hope you dddon't mind me saying so, bbut you're going back on what you sai---   
ERIC: ANYWAY   
ERIC: dont mind him butters hes just all up my ass bc ur my best friend and hes not   
BUTTERS: aw, but i thought we were all best friends! D:    
ERIC: yeah that too   
ERIC: so r u going 2 play the game with me or what   
BUTTERS: what kinda game is it? :D   
CRIPPLE: TTthat's actually qqquite a good question. This whole time you've cccompletely failed to provide any sort of redeeming fffeatures.   
ERIC: its a hella sweet one. isnt that all that matters??   
ERIC: look guys i shoved like 10 ppl out of the way to get to this game   
ERIC: i WILL play it   
ERIC: whether that STUPID GINGER wants to be a part of it or not!!!!!!!!!   
CRIPPLE: What does he have tttto do with anything?   
BUTTERS: yeah, i thought you wanted to play with us!!   
ERIC: thats what i meant yeah    
ERIC: look if youre so starved 4 info heres all i can say: its a game. it looks hella sweet. its called SBURB or somethin awesome like that. and i want you guys + some others of ur choice 2 play with me    
ERIC: are we all in   
CRIPPLE: I mean, I already agreed, so I sssupppose so. I'm a man of my wwword.   
CRIPPLE: Even if you're a lying pppiece of crap.   
ERIC: kewl fuck you 2   
ERIC: butters ur in right??   
BUTTERS: well im real flattered you wanna play with me so bad eric! im sure we'll have ourselves a swell ol' time!! :D   
BUTTERS: and if its a video game, that means i can play it in secret! my parents won't know a thing hehehe   
CRIPPLE: Wwow, Butters, that's awfully ssneaky of you.   
BUTTERS: what can i say? that fall really did a number on me! :D   
ERIC: great then its settled   
ERIC: well start playing as soon as everyone else joins 2   
CRIPPLE: Everyone else?   
ERIC: yah u know   
ERIC: ur asshole friends tht im letting u recruit   
ERIC: and mm    
ERIC: and who knows.....maybe by the end of it all well even have a certain jew on our team >:))   
BUTTERS: oh, you mean ky--   
ERIC: YES I FUCKING MEAN HIM.   
ERIC: god hes such an asshole!! refusing to play with me and using jewish mind control... ill get him on my team whether he likes it or not   
ERIC: in the meantime tho... im going 2 recruit mm   
ERIC: and you go get ur asshole friends   
CRIPPLE: Aye aye, CCCaptain.   
CRIPPLE: XP   
BUTTERS: what should i do, eric?? :D   
ERIC: butters   
ERIC: u have the very important job of   
ERIC: sitting tight and not fucking anythin up   
ERIC: think you can handle it?   
BUTTERS: yes, sir!!! :D   
ERIC: awesome report back 2 me when ur done   
ERIC: godspeed good men. godspeed 

**== > Reader: Be the cripple.**   


You are now the CRIPPLE, alternatively known as JIMMY VALMER.

Your hobbies include doing STAND-UP COMEDY, sweeping the LADIES OFF THEIR FEET, and hanging out with a bunch of ASSHOLES, although you're pretty sure only the last one holds any sort of relevance to the story. 

You've just been assigned a job by a certain SACK OF LYING SHIT, and for some dumb reason, you've decided to go through with it. Mainly because you tend to keep your promises and don't want to stoop to his level but also because if you're going to play a GAME with him, you want BACKUP.

And what better backup than your FRIENDS?

You'd originally made plans to hang out with your good pal BUTTERS, but now that the SACK OF LYING SHIT has crashed your hangout, he seems eager to get back home and start the task assigned to him-- sitting tight and not fucking anything up.

God. You like the kid and all, but _come on._

The SACK OF LYING SHIT leaves as suddenly as he came, presumably to drag MM onto his team. You're not sure how he's planning on going around to doing it, but it probably has something to do with Butters. Those two have one of the weirdest dynamics you've ever seen. It's the GAYEST STRAIGHT THING in town.

You sigh, and pull up your PHONE. Opening the GROUP MEMO, affectionately titled 'Squad of The Coolest Most Awesome People Ever', you wince-- 63 new messages in the last fifteen minutes. What the fuck. You've got to tell SB to stop trying to hard.

You scroll through them idly. Most of them consist of SB bragging about dumb shit, AR reacting logically to it, and PA screaming.

FO is nowhere to be found. You know for a fact he reads through these texts just as much as the rest of you, but his actual contributions are rarer than rain in the Sahara. The only person he answers to within a reasonable time frame is PA-- the poor guy would lose his shit otherwise. Or at least whatever shit he has yet to lose. 

**== > Jimmy: Contribute to "Squad of the Coolest Most Awesome People Ever" Board.**   


CURRENT forthrightWisecracker [CFW] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board “Squad of the Coolest Most Awesome People Ever”  
  
CURRENT forthrightWisecracker [CFW] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  


You send them the image of a SQUIRREL you took.

It's a perfect cover for the SCHOOL MAGAZINE, representative of hard work, optimism, and solid cuteness. 

As to be expected, SB answers almost immediately.

CURRENT swaggeringBravado [CSB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
CSB: hhhhoooohhh myyy goood   
CSB: that is 1 (one) CUTE rodent   
CSB: r u @ the park??? sweet LOL   
CSB: tell butters hi 4rom me 

You roll your eyes. Someone needs to get this kid stop typing like he's from the 1950s. AR has been trying, but SB is a stubborn little shit. 

You thumb back a reply.

CFW: He jjjust left.   
CAR: So soon?   
CFW: YYYeah.   
CSB: LOL so ur there alone???   
CSB: #loserfest    
CAR: Who even uses hashtags outside of like...actually tagging pictures    
CAR: That's literally the entire point   
CSB: u kno 4 someone black ur acting really white   
CSB: gettit   
CSB: bcuz salt is white and ur salty   
CAR: Least I don't type like Eric Cartman.   
CAR: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
CFW: Oooh, he wwwent there!   
CSB: >:000   
\-- CURRENT swaggeringBravado [CSB] sent the file "reaction gif to mean bffs.jpg" --    
CAR: AHAHA    
CFW: The file's not loading for me.   
CAR: It's just SB flipping off the camera all blurrily   
CAR: The funny part is you can tell he's been crying cause his face is all red   
CSB: GAHDGAHDBKA NOT TR UE    
CSB: i WILL NOT STAND 4 SUCH SLANDER IN MY HOME   
CAR: There's nothing wrong with crying dude   
CFW: Cept that it makes you look like a little bbbbbitch, of course XP   
CAR: AHAHAH true   
CSB: hnghhhh i h8 u guysss (´；д；`)    
CFW: Where's PA?    
CAR: He was just here a minute ago. Think his parents needed him in the shop   
CSB: its totes unfair!!! they work him WAYYYY 2 hard   
CSB: howz he suposed 2 hang out w/us if hez WORKIN all the TIME (´；д；`)    
CAR: Since when are you and PA so close   
CSB: y wouldnt we b??? hez my bffs bf    
CSB: my bffbf    
CAR: Weren't you like jealous at first    
CAR: That he'd steal FO from you or something dumb like that   
CSB: PFFFFFFT SHKDHAKDHJ nO   
CSB: I WAZ NEVER THAT AND EVEN IF I WAZ ID BE TOTES OVER IT NOW AND DEF DONT STILL ACTIVELY THINK ABOUT N WORRY ABOUT IT   
CSB: LETS TALK AB/SOMETHIN ELSE    
CFW: Sssssomeone's touchy XP   
CSB: n o   
CSB: i just dont like AR LYING ab/me all the TIME   
CAR: Mmhm   
CFW: Really though, I am ggglad you propose we change the tttopic. I had something I wanted to dddiscuss.   
CFW: I was hoping everyone would be here, but I suppppose PA will see the message later.   
CFW: Try not to clutter the memo up tttooo much, okay?   
CSB: no promises LOL ;0   
CAR: Alright, what is it   
CFW: Eric CCCartman wwants us to play a game with him.   
CAR: A game? What kind of game?   
CFW: A video game, I guess.   
CFW: He didn't seem eager to gggive out too many details.   
CFW: I don't think he knows himself XP   
CSB: LOL PASS   
CFW: Seriously?   
CSB: yeah LMAO    
CSB: fuck THAT noise    
CFW: I expected AR ttto be a little more skepppptical, but you....   
CFW: Weird.   
CSB: look man im all 4 playin awesome games w/my fam   
CSB: but liiiiiiiike   
CSB: if it features cartman   
CSB: id reallllllly rather not   
CSB: that 8=========D got us all stuck in somalia once hnghhhhhhhh   
CAR: Is that a   
CSB: yes it, is, thank u 4 askin   
CSB: its super long bcuz mine is 2   
CSB: B)   
CAR: But if you're describing Cartman shouldn't it be.... Not so long?   
CAR: Not that I actually thinks yours is either AHAHAH   
CSB: SHUT THE F UPPPPPPPP    
CSB: G A W D   
CFW: He does have a point about CCCartman though.   
CFW: Remember when he made us all measure them?   
CFW: His was micmicmicroscopic XP   
CSB: yes ok FAIR   
CSB: *** eric cartman is a 8=D    
CSB: better???   
CAR: I mean you could just write the word out?   
CSB: no thatz LAME    
CSB: but ya anyway im not going near that piece of shit even if u paid me   
CAR: You still played superheroes with him though   
CSB: different   
CAR: How?   
CSB: it just is ok!!!!!! omg MOM get off my back   
CFW: Ehehehehe XP    
\-- CURRENT adamantineRegent [CAR] sent the file "reaction gif to mean bffs.jpg" --    
CSB: HEY NO SHJAGDJHSV.   
CSB: U CANT USE MY REACTION GIF AGAINST ME   
CAR: Go cry about it AHAHA   
CSB: GAJDVKAVDMABDKJSJDJ   
CSB: FUCKyOu (´；д；`)    
CFW: CCCareful, pal, you're starting to sound like PA.   
CPA: gAh   
CPA: aND WHYis that a baD thing??   
CSB: yiSSSSSS PA IN DA HOUSE   
CSB: a welcom distraction :'''D   
CPA: nGH!!!   
CPA: idontwanna be AnyOnes distcatuon!!!    
CPA: taht is WAY TOO KUCH PRESSURE!!!   
CAR: Hey dude!   
CPA: GAH hi man   
CAR: Your parents finally let you off?   
CPA: Hahhhhhahq i.WISH   
CPA: im on a 5 minuete lumcj break    
CPA: whats thsi Game fw is talking about???   
CPA: is hE even stiLl here????   
CFW: Oh sssorry, messages came in late.   
CFW: The park doesn't have the bbbest wifi.   
CSB: just switch 2 mobile data LMAOO   
CFW: That's actually not a bbbbad idea, hold on.   
CPA: hnGhh hUrry up man!!!!   
CPA: break is almots oveR   
CFW: Alright, so.   
CFW: Like I said, Eric CCCartman wants to play a game with us. He doesn't know jackshit about it other than it's a video gggame and it has a cool dddesign.    
CFW: I already promised I'd ppplay.   
CAR: What? Why?   
CFW: I'm honestly not sure. I guess I thought it might be ffffun?   
CFW: Everything made sense in the moment.    
CPA: shnsvhfh yeAah man i feel You   
CPA: tjats how hanginh out whth cratman always is   
CAR: You'd know, you hung out with him the longest    
CPA: GAHHyeah   
CPA: big misrake    
CSB: ooooh SNAP!!!!   
CSB: #sassypaisbestpa #slaythemsista    
CFW: Anyway, CCCartman let me invite you guys to play as well, so tttthat's kind of where we are now.   
CFW: I'm just here to ask if you're in.   
CSB: n 2 the o 2 the no 2 the HELL NO   
CAR: That hurt my eyes to read   
CAR: Also sure.   
CSB: w8 what   
CAR: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
CFW: Excellent!   
CPA: GAH ithibk ill play too   
CSB: no dude ur suposed 2 b on my side   
CPA: man ive dealt with cratmaNs shit before. you NGH get used to it aftrwre a while    
CPA: aND some of the shit can be fun so idk wjy not??? sure i gueSs   
CPA: after wprk ill also see if fo wants to join    
CSB: w8 w8 NO u cant drag fo into it 2 hes my only backup here   
CPA: nghgh breaks ovrer   
CPA: seeyOu guys   
CAR: Bye   
CFW: See you lllater!

CPA ceased responding to memo.   
  
CFW: Great, tttwo friends down, one to go.   
CSB: 2 u mean. im a friend 2 remember,,?   
CFW: Yeah, but you said you didn't want to ppplay.   
CSB: i dont!!!!!!   
CAR: Then what's the problem?   
CSB: i still wanna b included,,, (´；д；`)    
CFW: NNNo offense, SB, but you're kind of acting like a bbbbaby. If you want to be included so badly, just play the gggame with us.   
CFW: You've played with CCCartman before, I don't see what the ppproblem is.   
CSB: this time itz just different ok!!!!   
CAR: It really is kinda weird that you're so against this. I thought you'd be the first on board.   
CSB: ya well u dont know SHIT    
CAR: Whatever you say, dude. Guess we're playing this game without you.   
CAR: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯   
CSB: sgndhamdgkavdmvsmbs NO   
CSB: im gonna go get fo on my side b4 pa gets 2 him   
CAR: Dude that's such a douche move? Getting others not to play with us because you chose not to play?   
CFW: I have to admit, SB, you're being one of the biggest Debbie DDDowners I've ever seen.   
CSB: gsjdgjagdhjs u just dont get it!!!!!   
CAR: Then explain?   
CSB: i   
CSB: screw u guys i am NOT playing this game!!!

CSB ceased responding to memo.   
  
CFW: Wow. What bbbbee got in his bbbonnet?   
CAR: I don't know. He's not normally so stubborn about stuff   
CAR: Should I go after him?   
CFW: Good idea, mmmmom.   
CFW: XP   
CAR: Man, not you too.   
CFW: SSSorry, pal, but that nickname is stuck like ggglue.    
CAR: Ugh.   
CAR: Maybe it's best to just let FO handle this one. I had stuff I wanted to ask you anyway.   
CFW: Like what?    
CAR: For the game. Are we, uh.   
CAR: Can we.   
CAR: Invite other people.   
CAR: Like not from the chat.   
CFW: Like KKKevin Stoley and those guys? I don't ttthink so. CCCartman doesn't really like h--   
CFW: Oh. Wait.   
CFW: OOoh. WWWait.   
CFW: YYYou mean like....   
CAR: Yeah.   
CFW: Are you two...   
CAR: No.   
CFW: BBBut you want to...   
CAR: Right.   
CFW: Uh.   
CFW: I ggguess. CCCartman really likes you two. Like. TTTogether. He probably won't mind?   
CAR: Ugh, when you put it that way, I really lose motivation to do it.   
CFW: No no no, I ttthink you should go for it. MMMake the first move, yknow? Break the silence.   
CAR: I'll. Think about it.   
CFW: Okay. Just let me know what you decide so I can report it back to CCCartman.   
CAR: Alright :/   
CAR: See you later, Jimmy.   
CFW: BBBye!

CAR ceased responding to memo.   
CFW ceased responding to memo.   
  
CURRENT fuckOff [CSB] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.   
CFO:   
CFO:    
CFO: i hate you guys.

CFO closed memo.   


**== > Reader: Be FO.**   


Your name is fuckOff.

Or at least on PESTERCHUM it is. The two glowing blue letters fill you with the highest of disdain, all directed towards the POMPOUS ASSHOLES who told you you needed to pick a PROPER USERNAME.

You actually considered it at first, but after seeing your BOYFRIEND (because yes, fuckOff is GAY) struggle to type in the first two letters of 'phantasmagorical', you decided it's just not worth it.

So fuckOff it is.

Outside of the enthralling internet world however you go by another name. The wondrous title of CRAIG TUCKER, young homosexual and lover of guinea pigs.

And, as it seems, dumping ground for the problems of all your so called FRIENDS.

Your BEST FRIEND is messaging you now, and you know it won't be long before your BOYFRIEND is too. Both of them asking the same, but also entirely different, thing.

God _damn_ it. 

Your name might be CRAIG TUCKER, but you really wish you could tell everyone your username.

What will you do?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feed off of comments. Each comment I get is read, processed, then hungrily vored 
> 
> -Georgie
> 
> ///,
> 
> \- please dont vore the comments this is a holy household  
> \- on an unrelated note as the beta reader for this thing everyone in craig's gang is a big mood and i would die for token black immediately, thanks for coming to my TED talk  
> \- edit: i should make this clear i fucking love this fic and this chapter and i love token black  
> \- are you guys as excited for the next chapter as i am? let fiddle know in the comments! getting to read these is always a treat for me!  
> \-- love, classo
> 
> EDIT 06/20/18: Edited the formatting to match later chapters.  
> \- Classo


	6. Act 1 Part 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Words cannot describe how bad I am at writing Craig
> 
> -Georgie

**== > Craig: Prioritize and answer anxious boyfriend.**   


Well, he hasn't started TEXTING you yet. He's still at WORK.

And while he might sometimes slip you an update from under the counter (a picture of a cat, an insult he wishes he could say to a customer), you are very much aware that these are RARE EXCEPTIONS to be cherished and held with the highest regard, and that your BOYFRIEND takes his STUPID JOB very seriously.

SB, in the meantime, is TEXTING you NOW.

You see the two red letters flashing on your screen urgently, and try not to groan. SB is your BEST FRIEND and all, but _fuck_.

Should you ANSWER him?

**== > Yes/No**   


**== > Reader: Pick yes.**   


**== > /No.**   


**== > Craig: Answer stupid best friend.**   


After a series of pointless COMMANDS (that you know nothing about since that would mean breaking the FOURTH WALL) you decide to choke down your ANNOYANCE and answer.

You just can't stay mad at this kid. Especially not now, knowing what he's going through...

The OTHERS might not know why he doesn't want to play, but you have a HUNCH.

Time to see if it's right.

\-- swaggeringBravado [ SB ] began pestering fuckOff [ FO ] --  
  
SB: craig craig craig craig leg  
SB: didnt mean 2 type leg but seems ok  
SB: gettit  
SB: cuz ur tall  
SB: ANYWAY  
SB: r u online????? craig craig CRRRRAIG  
SB: this is MAJOR  
SB: answer meehhhhhhhhh   
SB: (´；д；`)   
FO: what.  
SB: oh thx god ur on  
FO: i'm always on.  
SB: kinda creepy but wHATEVAH  
SB: did u see what jimmy said on the memo??  
FO: yeah. so.  
SB: so!!!  
SB: so everyonez gon b playin w/o me!!!  
FO: yeah. so.  
SB: uefhghhhajsha ITS NOT FAIR CRAIGGG  
SB: (´；д；`)  (´；д；`)   
FO: why don't you just. play too.  
SB: u kno i cant doooo thatttttt  
FO: you're making a bigger deal out of this than it is.  
SB: nOOO Immm NoOooot  
FO: yes you are.  
FO: so what if you play with cartman once.  
FO: you really think your dad will give a shit.  
SB: yyyyyyyyeah (´；д；`)   
SB: he'll think were FRIENDS  
SB: and tht were gettin ALONG  
SB: and tht he should go ahead & MARRY THAT BITCH  
SB: (´；д；`) (´；д；`)   
FO: they're only dating. i don't think marriage happens that quickly dude.  
SB: u dont know thaaaaaat  
SB: grownups do weird shit man (´；д；`)   
FO: can you stop using that face.  
FO: its really dumb.  
SB: >:00   
SB: UR really dumb #LOLGETOWNED  
FO: i'm gonna go check on stripe.  
SB: noo ok craig i didnt mean it ily  
SB: #nohomotho  
SB: #formeimean #iknowurhomo #lol #ifiwashomothoidtotallybeafterurass  
FO: dude.  
SB: what?  
SB: cant a man show platonic appreciation 4 his bffs rear end???  
FO: i guess. i don't know. sounds kind of gay.  
FO: and you know how jealous tweek gets.  
SB: hakdbkagsjagjdgw CRAIG GOD DAMMMIT  
FO: what.  
SB: ur SUPPOSED 2 call him PA like th rest of us!!  
SB: ugHhhhhHhHhHH  
FO: why would i call him pa.  
FO: that's just his stupid pesterchum name. not his real one.  
FO: and besides. anyone can guess who i'm talking about if they use context clues.  
SB: nooooo ur SUPPOSED 2  
FO: why.  
SB: bcuz  
SB: bcuz uh  
SB: bcuz its cool ok!!! >:00  
FO: how come you get to call me craig then. and not fo.  
SB: its different if ur directly talking 2 the person dumbass  
FO: since when.  
SB: since now!!  
FO: ok. i guess.  
SB: UGHHH uve gotten me so off topic >:00  
SB: what im tryna say iz  
SB: i dunno wat 2 do about jimmys fuckin game!  
FO: you mean fw. if we're going by your naming rules.  
SB: GAHSGJAGSH whatEVER!!!  
SB: the point is  
SB: i cant play but i dont wanna b left out,,,   
FO: just play then.  
SB: but then my dadll think im friends w/cartman and our rivalry is the only thing stoppin him 4rom gettin hitched 2 that BITCH  
FO: you don't even have a rivalry.  
SB: yeahhh but he thinks we do   
FO: dude. whether you get along with her son or not i'm pretty sure he'll marry her if he likes her enough.  
FO: and if she wants to too.  
FO: you know. it's kind of weird but. i never really thought she was the marriage type.  
SB: yah no shit!  
SB: shes a giant slut!!  
SB: her boobs r only beaten by ocs moms tbh  
FO: oh so now we're going back to the guess the name bullshit.  
SB: shhhh i make the rules remember  
SB: and u gotta admit ocs mom haz KILLER B00BS  
FO: i guess.  
SB: LMAO sorry i 4got  
SB: ur 2 gay 2 appreciate a good pair of Tiddies™  
FO: ╭∩╮  
SB: is tht a flip off  
FO: yes.  
SB: huh  
SB: sweet   
FO: thanks.  
SB: not as sweet as ocs moms tiddies™ tho LMAO  
FO: i thought we were taking about the lady whose opinion you care way too much about.  
SB: ughhhhhhhHHHhHHHhhh  
SB: man FUCK HERRR  
SB: shez obvs just in2 my dad 4 his $$ and hella good looks (which i inherited)  
FO: yeah. that's definitely it.  
SB: and 4 the record   
SB: I DO NOT care abt her opinion >:00  
SB: i care abt her influence on my dad and how eager she is 2 FUCK UP HIS LIFE  
FO: why are you so sure she wants to fuck up his life.  
FO: maybe she just wants to be happy too. dick.  
SB: shez a crack dealin slut craig  
SB: y would she not already b happy  
FO: well. think about it logically. how much money can a crack dealing slut make.  
SB: idk????   
FO: probably not a lot. right.  
SB: i guess???????  
FO: in that case. marrying your dad would make her happy because he's pretty rich. right.  
FO: not like token. but still.  
SB: ****AR u mean  
FO: ╭∩╮  
SB: i guess ur kinda right tho  
SB: abt the $$$ thing  
SB: but tht still means she only cares about his $$ n will break his heart at first chance so she can inherit all of it >:000  
FO: i don't think she's that sneaky.  
FO: also how would that even work.  
FO: if she breaks his heart. how would she get all his money.  
SB: urghh ur putting 2 much thought into this  
FO: maybe you're not putting enough.  
SB: >:000   
SB: none of tht matters craig!!!!  
SB: wat matters is shes evil & bad news & her son is a dick & i'm not playing!!!!!#!!!!  
FO: i mean. okay.  
SB: buuuut i also really wanna playyyy (´；д；`)  
FO: you can't do both dude.  
SB: i knnnnnooooooowwwww  
SB: which is y i figured  
SB: mayb i wouldnt b so upset abt not being able 2 play  
SB: if i had a friend sitting out w/me  
FO:  
SB: HINT HINT NUDGE NUDGE  
FO: i don't know. tweek said he wanted to play.   
SB: so?? who gives a shit wat HE wants!!  
SB: IM ur bff. i take priority   
FO: yeah but. tweek's my boyfriend.  
SB: LMAO ur so whipped u kno tht   
FO:╭∩╮  
SB: dont h8 me 4 preachin da truth  
SB: ever since u guys hooked up u never do anythin w/ the rest of us  
FO: what the fuck. that's not true.  
FO: right now tweek wants to play a game with the others. and he wants me to join him. you're the one not participating. asshole.  
SB: do u even wanna play  
FO: i don't know.  
FO: maybe.  
SB: craig look dude  
SB: if u really wanna play and u think tweek  
SB: (**PA. FUCK now uve got me doing it 2 >:00)  
SB: will kick ur ass if u dont  
SB: then im not stoppin u  
SB: but just kno tht i will SUCC UR 8==D if u sit this 1 out w/me  
FO:  
SB: NOT LITWRLALU THO HAKHDKAGSMNAJA  
FO: i'll think about it.  
SB: really???  
SB: thank u so much craiggy ilyyyyy #stillnohomo  
FO: craiggy.  
FO: that's worse than tweekers.  
SB: >:000  
SB: stfu tweekers iz cool!!!  
SB: everyone knos i make the best nicknames B)  
FO: sure.  
FO: you really don't want your dad to marry her. do you.  
SB: wat does tht have 2 do w/anything?  
FO: just saying.  
SB: well YEAH  
SB: dads still v sensitive after moms death  
SB: i gotta make sure he keepz away 4rom any possible heart breaks & 4rom leaping into new unstable relationships just bc he wants to fill in a void   
SB: its the son code  
FO: so you're doing this only because you want to keep your dad safe.  
FO: not because that fat asshole would be your step brother if his mom and your dad got married. and everyone would also make fun of you.  
SB: ...................., ofc   
FO: wow.  
FO: that's pretty noble dude.  
SB: hehehehe wat can i say??? im a v noble guy """:D   
FO: okay.  
SB: what ok  
FO: i'll sit this one out with you.  
FO: but you're the one explaining to tweek why i'm doing it.  
SB: awwwwWWW YIIIAHHH BOIIIII  
SB: dont worry ur pretty lil head ab/ANYTHING my dude  
SB: ill whip up the best excuse EVAR  
FO: or you could just tell him the truth.  
FO: you know.  
FO: that you want to protect your dad from getting married to a succubus and the only way to do that without his knowledge is by staying as far away from cartman as possible so he thinks you two have a rivalry and that he can't torment you by marrying her.  
SB: ok 1st of all tht is TOP SECRET IN4MATION CRAIGGY  
SB: >:000  
SB: & also wtf is a succubus???  
FO: i.  
FO: i don't know. it just seemed like a good word to use for some reason.  
SB: :///   
SB: but fr this is SECRET AF  
SB: i dont want other ppl knowin abt my ~~good n pure intentions™~~  
FO: okay. i guess.  
FO: don't lie to tweek though. he's really good at picking up on that.  
SB: will u CHILLAX  
SB: ill make sure ur bloodhound bf doesnt pick up on it ok  
SB: have i ever let u down??  
FO: every day.  
SB: >:000  
SB: i would say somethin but i just found the best thing EVER by digging threw my desk n now i wanna explore it more  
SB: so..... ttyl k???  
FO: let me guess.  
FO: it's another one of your dad's magazines with a bunch of naked women in it and now you want to read it.   
FO: with your pants off.  
SB: HAKDGAKDGKGSKAB N O  
SB: OK MA Y BE   
SB: STFU U DUNNO SHIT UR GAY   
SB: AHKDGWKDHALHDLAHSKAJ

\-- swaggeringBravado [SB] ceased pestering fuckOff [FO] --

**== > Craig: Reflect upon what you just agreed to.**   


Man, you're so fucked.

Your BOYFRIEND is going to start contacting you any minute now begging you to join, and you'll have to turn him down. Not to mention the fact that everything your BEST FRIEND just told you is apparently "TOP SECRET", so if he asks for a REASON, you can't give him one.

He's gonna get so UPSET.

You contemplate cancelling on your BEST FRIEND, but knowing him, he's probably too busy DOING WHATEVER STRAIGHT PEOPLE DO to answer you now. Plus he'll call you whipped again. Which you're not. Obviously.

Come to think of it, it's probably for the best that you don't play. Each time you do anything with that FAT FUCK, bad things happen. You get stranded in PERU, you break up with your BOYFRIEND - yeah, you'll pass this time, thanks.

Not to mention how weird BUTTERS was acting earlier. That whole window stunt? You're willing to bet five dollars CARTMAN had something to do with it. He always does.

Maybe you should text him and see if he's okay?

You get the sense he doesn't really like you, but all the same, it'd be a nice thing for you to do...

**== > Craig: Drop the dork a message.**   


You thumb out a quick MESSAGE. Nothing too sentimental, just a friendly question from one friendly friend to another.

FO: why did you jump off your window.

And then, so he doesn't feel embarrassed about it,

FO: you looked really funny.

**== > Craig: Pet the hamster.**   


Okay, first off, STRIPE is not a HAMSTER. He's a GUINEA PIG. A damn beautiful one at that.

And secondly, he's at your BOYFRIEND'S for the day. His DAD says having a "rodent mascot" is good for business, and while you would not normally give a shit what THAT DICK has to say, you know TWEEK likes petting his soft little fur almost as much as you do. 

So STRIPE gets dual-parenthood.

Speaking of TWEEK, however, you really hope he'll answer soon. Without your GUINEA PIG, and with your FRIENDS all hyped for a GAME you've agreed not to play, you've got basically nothing to do but wait.

And while you like PEACE AND QUIET, you hate WAITING.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Every time a person comments on this fic, an angel gets its wings.  
> (Also feel free to ask for clarification on anything, I'm worried this chapter might come across as kinda confusing.)
> 
> EDIT 06/20/18: Edited the formatting to match later chapters.  
> \- Classo


	7. Act 1 Part 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's play a game called Spot The Plot Amidst The Pesterlogs And Pretend This Isn't Ridiculously Rushed And OOC
> 
> -Georgie
> 
> P.S.- Each one of Kenny's emojis was chosen strategically, because I hate myself

**== > Reader: Stop being Craig.**   


You have now stopped being CRAIG.

Well, not exactly. You're still him. Just more lowkey.

You find your current relation with Craig best comparable to SCHIZOPHRENIA-- Craig is still there, but as more of a whisper in the back of your mind  than an actually solid figure.

This comparison, of course, operates on the grounds that every READER out there has been clinically diagnosed with SCHIZOPHRENIA. Not to mention the AUTHOR.

Fuck.

**== > Author: Attempt to draw attention away from your mildly offensive comparison by transporting reader into blissful omnipotence.**   


You have the power to do that? Seems a bit extreme. Is it even possible for the author to overpower themselves in a story of their own creation?

Man, fuck it.

You (the READER) are now everything, and everyone.

You are ever present, ever knowing.

You are Time itself. Infinite. Immortal. 

What will you do with your newfound power, (plus with CRAIG in the back of your mind)?

**== > Reader: Stalk pesterlogs.**   


Uh. You're basically a god, and you want to--

**== > Reader: Stalk pesterlogs. Did you fucking stutter? You're sick of being kept in the dark all the time.**   


Yeesh, okay.

Calm down, Mr(s) High And Mighty. 

* * *

  ** _OMNIPOTENT PESTERLOG SHENANIGANS PART 1_**

\-- authoritarianFinagle [AF] began pestering mysteriousMalingerer [MM] --  
  
AF: HA!!!!  
MM: :?  
AF: guess wht just happened kienny  
MM: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
AF: no i said guess  
AF: wheres the fun in me just telling u  
AF: hello  
AF: r u guessing or what!!!  
MM: (^^ゞ)  
MM: ʕ•^•ʔ o(_ _)o (:˒[￣] <333  
AF: i dont care abt ur stupid sisters performance kienny!!!  
AF: just put her 2 bed and GUESS!!!!  
MM: (ಠ ∩ ಠ) ╭∩╮  
AF: ur breakin ma balls here  
AF: hello  
AF: r u done yet  
AF: helllooooo  
AF: ya ok just take ur sweet sweet time!!!  
AF: itz not like i have anything else to do or anything!!  
AF: dick!!!  
MM: ＼(-_- )  
AF: ugh FINALLY  
AF: can u guess now or wat  
MM: ☞ミ(ノ_ _)ノ(＃´ー´)旦 ( ж)..ξ ?  
AF: no i did not fall down n eat shit  
AF: altho i bet U did  
AF: gettit bcuz ur familys so poor   
MM: ╭∩╮╭∩╮╭∩╮  
AF: o w8 sorry  
AF: thts probably 2 fancy even 4 u huh kienny??  
MM: (;-_-)ノ  
AF: no fuck w8 dont go  
AF: god when did u become so sensitive??  
AF: i bet its 4rom hanging out w/butters  
AF: between u & me tbh.... tht guy is such a fag  
MM: v(￣∇￣)  
MM: ☜ 8===D (‘-’*)  
AF: ewwwww youd still tap tht???  
AF: kienny thts so gross   
AF: butters is gonna stay a virgin til he dies anyway lmaooo  
MM: ☞ 2  
AF: no im not!!! fuck u!!!!  
AF: for ur information i have ppl lining down the block 2 sleep w/me  
AF: and ur mom is in the lead!!!  
MM: ☞ ԅ( ˘ω˘ԅ) ?   
AF: gay?  
AF: me???  
AF: whered you get tht idea????  
MM: ☞ <3 ψ（｀Д´）ψ ?  
AF: what the FUCK   
AF: i h8 him!!!!!!  
AF: y would u even THINK tht!!!  
AF: is tht parka squeezing out ur last brain cells or somethin??  
MM: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯  
AF: if anyone here is gay its TOTALLY u  
MM: ☜ <3 (  .  )(  .  )  
AF: if u love boobs then y did u say ud be down w/pounding butters  
MM: ¯\\_(  ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)_/¯  
AF: god ur so weird   
AF: anyway guess wht i came here 2 tell u  
MM: ╮(╯_╰)╭  
AF: u did NOT alredy guess!!! u said bullshit!!!  
AF: but 4 the sake of not w8sting anymore of my PRECIOUS TIME im just gonna tell u  
AF: ive got a lotta stuff 2 do kienny  
AF: lotta irons in the fire!!  
MM: XD (・∧‐)ゞ  
AF: tht was NOT a stupid comparison stfu!!  
AF: now do u remember the game u refused 2 play  
MM: （；￣︶￣）  
MM: ☞ (☼Д☼) < [ @#&$!! ]  
AF: ofc i was pissed off!!!  
AF: but ahem... all tht is in the past now  
MM: ??   
AF: yes it is. bcuz now i understand tht not playing  wasent ur choice  
MM: ????  
AF: u were just a pawn kienny  
AF: a fleeting toy in an uncaring world  
MM: ☞ (个 m 个) XD  
AF: dont fuckin compare me 2 the emos kienny!!  
MM: (个 m 个) ≠ (ಥ﹏ಥ)  
AF: how r they different  
AF: w8 u kno wat?? i... actually dont care!!  
AF: im here 2 gently forgive u and snap u out of jewish mind control not get educated on the fagginess of goths vs emos or watevr  
MM: ψ（｀Д´）ψ (＠__＠) ???  
AF: ya jewish mind control!!  
AF: if u let me explain it i can help u br8k free of it  
MM: xD  
AF: this isnt a laughing matter asswipe!!  
AF: jewish mind control is real and VERY SERIOUS  
AF: way more then fucking uuuh mass murdering tits or hamburgers up ur ass!!!  
MM: ☜ <3 (  .  )(  .  ) (✖╭╮✖)    
AF: ofc u wouldnt mind mass murdering tits UGH  
AF: stop getting off topic kienny!!  
AF: im trying 2 help u!!!  
MM: ┐(ﾟ～ﾟ)┌ ??  
AF: w/br8king th mind control obviously  
AF: hear me out kienny  
AF: kahl put a spell on u  
MM: xD   
AF: no shut up he did!!  
AF: now idk the details of this spell but ik it has roots in his ~~~jewishness~~~  
AF: hez controlling u. makin u think you don't actually wanna play w/me  
MM: ☜ X ヽ(ヅ)ノ + ☞  
AF: no u DO want 2 play w/me. kahl has just tricked u into THINKING u dont  
MM: ?  
AF: idk why!! wat the fuck do i look like. a prophet???  
AF: bcuz hez a dirty jew!!!  
MM: >:/  
AF: look dude  
AF: the only way 2 break this spell is 2 trust tht ur feelings abt wat im gonna tell u r powerful enuff to overcome this  
AF: then ull b free 2 play w/me again like u always wanted all along  
MM: ☜ X ヽ(ヅ)ノ + ☞ !!!!!!  
MM: ☜ X  [ტ [/////]] !!!!  
MM: ノಠ_ಠノ  
AF: woah kienny  
AF: tone it down a notch  
AF: im just trying 2 help   
MM: !!!   
MM: ☞ (☼Д☼) ☜ & (° °)(° °) Xヽ(ヅ)ノ + ☞ !!!  
MM: ☞ X ψ（｀Д´）ψ   
MM: >:(  
AF: ok first off tht point u said like five lines ago abt ur computer being shitty isnt even valid  
AF: u always still play w/us shitty computer or not  
AF: stop trying 2 make excuses. nobody likes an excusey elizabeth  
AF: also im not trying 2 pin my failures on kahl  
AF: tbh kienny tht was kinda mean and u should say sorry  
MM: ???  
AF: 4 implying i failed obviously!! wat do u mean 4 wat!!!  
AF: i havent failed at ANYTHING  
AF: ESPECIALLY not @ recruiting ppl 2 play my game  
AF: its all KAHLS fault and im not pinning anythin on him!!! im just st8ting facts!!  
MM: -___-  
AF: also y r u so insistent on defending kahl anyway??  
AF: its like ur  
AF: oh my gawd  
AF: thts it  
MM: ?  
AF: THE JEWISH MIND CONTROL IS WORSENING  
MM: ಠ_ಠ  
AF: B4 I KNOW IT IM GONNA LOSE U AND OC 2 KAHLS EVIL INTENTIONS  
AF: I WONT LET THT HAPPEN 2 U KIENNY!!!  
AF: NOT B4 PLAYING MY GAME!!!!!  
AF: time 2 tell u what i came here 2 say and pray to the merciful light in heaven tht its enuff to br8k u free 4rom kahls reign of terror  
MM: ಠ_ಠ ಠ_ಠ  
AF: alright  
AF: here it is  
AF: the DEAL BREAKER THT CHANGES THE COURSE OF HUMANITY  
MM: ☜ X ヽ(ヅ)ノ   
AF: u may say u wont play now but... will u still say tht.......  
AF: when i tell u........  
AF: tht butters is playing???  
MM: ....  
MM: (￣__￣)ｂ  
AF: wat!!!  
AF: but u like butters!!!!  
AF: ur practically gay 4 the guy!! u said ud fuck him!!!  
MM: 8==D ≠ <3  
MM: ☜ <3 ʕ•^•ʔ  
MM: ☜ 8==D (‘-’*)  
AF: oh god damn it  
AF: the jewish sphere of influence is stronger thn i thought....  
MM: (¬_¬)  
AF: or am i  
AF: am i 2 l8?  
AF: is tht wat has happened kienny?  
AF: ive betrayed u? just by being l8???  
AF: oh god what have i DONE  
MM: (¬w¬)(¬_¬)  
MM: ☜ (· -- ·)ノ  
AF: where... where r u going?  
MM: 2 ლó _ ó)ლ  [ტ [/////]] (//☆m☆//）  
AF: 2 go borrow one of ars laptops?  
AF: does tht mean.... u broke the jewish mind control??  
AF: ur PLAYING???  
MM: ┐(￣ヘ￣)┌  
MM: ☞ (; Д ;)  
AF: WHAT!!!!! I AM NOT A CRYBABY!!!!!  
AF: SCREW YOU KIENNY  
AF: UR FUCKING POOR  
AF: DONT COMPARE ME 2 SB  
MM: XD  
MM:  (· u ·)ノ  
  
\-- mysteriousMalingerer [MM] is now an idle chum! --  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> PHEW this took a while. Sorry for the long wait, y'all.  
> I know Kenny's (oops, MM's) change of heart seems kind of sudden, but trust me there's a solid reason behind it-- we'll get into it later :0  
> Don't forget to drop me a comment! Your support means the world to me <3
> 
> EDIT 06/20/18: Edited the formatting to match later chapters.  
> \- Classo


	8. Act 1 Part 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *pushing plot with both hands like a driver pushes their car when it's stuck somewhere*  
> PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD PROGRESS
> 
> Also, if y'all haven't noticed, my fuckin uuuUh amazing editor worked their magic to make this chapter look the way it is so... if you like it this way, please let us know! 
> 
> -Georgie
> 
> -=-=-=-=-
> 
> hey what the fuck is up guys it's classo and i'm fucking CRYING OVER THIS CHAPTER LIKE FIDDLE KNOWS EXACTLY THE WAY TO MY HEART AND IT'S TOKOLE  
> anyway i'll be going back and fixing the chapters too so tell me if y'all prefer the old 'spaced out' conversation lines or the 'cloistered together' lines like in actual homestuck in the comments okay bless yall for reading hope you like the tastey content  
> \- classo

**_ OMNIPOTENT PESTERLOG SHENANIGANS PART 2_**

\-- adamantineRegent [AR] began pestering forthrightWisecracker [FW] --  
  
AR: Hey dude.  
FW: Sssup.  
AR: Remember how you said I should grow a pair and just ask her to play with us?  
FW: I dddon't remember phrasing it exactly like ttthat, but sure.  
AR: Well. Um.  
AR: How do I do it.  
FW: PPPardon?  
AR: Well, I can't just waltz into her pesterlogs and ask her to join!  
AR: She'll reject me at once.  
AR: Isn't it weird to ask her for a favor after not speaking to her for months?  
FW: Okay, fffirst off, you're not asking her for a fffavor. You're inviting her to dddo something with you. It's bbbasically a date.  
AR: Yeah, a date featuring Cartman and like five other people  
FW: A date's a dddate, loverboy. If she likes you, she'll still say yes.  
AR: Man, I don't want her to like me  
AR: At least not like that. Not in a romantic way. Which I'm pretty sure you're implying  
AR: I already botched that up.  
AR: I just want to salvage any remaining shreds of possible friendship  
FW: You dddidn't botch up anything. It was skankhunt42, remember?  
FW: If anything, you should bbbe blaming her for bbbreaking up with you over someone else's actions ttto begin with.  
AR: Yeah I guess.  
AR: But it doesn't really feel like her fault.  
AR: When it actually happened I was heart broken, you know? My basketball training was all thrown off and I didn't know what to do with myself   
FW: We've all been there, fffella.   
AR: But even then I didn't blame her  
AR: I just. I don't know.  
AR: The breakup letter was six words long Jimmy!  
AR: "I break up. goodbye. don't call."  
AR: We'd been together for almost two months!!  
FW: Woah, ttthat's pretty serious.  
AR: I know!  
AR: But that letter made it feel like nothing.  
FW: How come you haven't moved on? No offense, bbbuddy, but you dddeserve better than a six word letter with tttterrible grammar.   
FW: I've heard Red might have a tttthing for you.  
AR: ¯\\_(:/)_/¯  
FW: DDDon't you like Red?  
AR: She's okay I guess.   
FW: Okay? She is smsmsmoking hot!  
AR: Yeah but she also kind of scares me? She's really forceful, man.  
FW: I thought you were into that kkkkind of thing.  
AR: I don't know. Not anymore. BR really mellowed me out.   
AR: She's one of those girls you just want to protect, you know?  
AR: Not that she can't defend herself or anything. I mean in a more sheltered way. Like you don't want to see the world change her for who she is.  
FW: X|  
AR: She wants to be a florist when she grows up, did you know that?  
AR: She has the best green thumb in town. I went to her house once and the backyard was covered in flowers. Probably still is.  
AR: She says she planted them all herself. Each one has a little name and custom pot and everything  
AR: She plays them music and talks to them so she can help them grow  
AR: When she's not cheerleading or anything anyway  
AR: She's just. That good.  
AR: And I don't think I'll find anyone like that.   
AR: And if I can't have her as a girlfriend... then I might as well at least try to have her as a friend right?  
FW: Hehehehehe.  
AR: What?  
FW: You are ssso smitten.   
FW: XP  
AR: I just said I'm not trying to make her my girlfriend!  
FW: You want ttto, though.  
AR: Ugh. Just tell me how to approach her.  
FW: Well, here's a hint.  
FW: Stop ttttalking to me, and go ggget her, retard.

\-- forthrightWisecracker [FW] has logged off --  
  
AR:   
AR:  
AR: _Dude._

**_ OMNIPOTENT PESTERLOG SHENANIGANS PART 3 _ **

\-- adamantineRegent [AR] began pestering blossomingRadiance [BR] --  
  
AR: Um  
AR: Hey!!!  
BR: oh!!  
BR: hi! :) :) :)  
BR: that was probably too many smiley faces, haha...  
AR: No it's fine!  
AR: It's kind of cute actually :)  
BR: :o  
AR: Sorry hahaha that was probably a weird thing to say  
BR: i mean, a bit?  
AR: Sorry, I'm not really good at this  
BR: at what?  
AR: Talking.  
AR: To you.  
AR: And to pretty girls.  
AR: Not that you're not a pretty girl!!  
AR: You're really pretty!!!  
AR: Not that I'm trying to come onto you or anything HAHAHA  
AR: That'd be weird, wouldn't it??  
BR: uh, i guess a little?  
BR: we haven't talked in weeks..  
AR: Yes exactly! It'd be so weird for me to just randomly try to come onto you after you broke up with me and we cut off communication entirely!!  
BR: token, are you okay? you're acting kind of weird.  
AR: No no no I'm fine  
AR: Sorry I just.  
AR: Really missed talking to you.  
BR: :)  
AR: Anyway, uh. I wanted to ask you if you wanted to play a game with me and some friends.  
BR: that sounds fun! what kind of game?  
AR: A video game, I think. Called Sburb or something? It's multiplayer.  
AR: Eric Cartman said I could invite you.  
AR: I think.  
BR: eric cartman is playing?  
AR: Unfortunately.  
BR: who else?  
AR: Um... FW, HA, maybe MM and I think PA is working to get FO on our side too.  
BR: well...  
BR: while i'd really like to play, i don't want to be the only girl there, token!  
BR: i'd feel kind of lonely  
BR: and i'm not that good at video games :(  
AR: I'dhelpyou!  
AR: If you want me to, that is. Sorry.  
BR: that's really sweet, thanks :)  
BR: but i'd still feel kind of out of place!  
AR: Oh.  
AR: Guess that settles that, then.  
AR: Sorry for bothering you, I can just leave, you don't have to bother pretending like you care or anything anymore hahaha  
BR: >:/  
BR: i don't pretend. i'm always honest with my feelings, token.  
BR: and i do want to play with you guys! i just need more of a familiar presence.  
AR:  ¯\\_(:/)_/¯  
BR: wait, i know!!  
BR: can i invite a friend to play along?  
AR: Uh.  
BR: i'm sure she'd help a lot! she's really good at dealing with guys and has confidence and rocks at games! :)  
BR: if it's okay with you, of course! i wouldn't want to impose!  
AR: Yeah, that's fine. I think.  
AR: I'll just... report it back to FW so you girls can join the team.  
BR: thanks, token!!  
BR: this is going to be so much fun! i'll go message her now :)  
AR: Yeah, you do that. I'll just message FW while you do.  
BR: bye!! :) :)  
AR: Bye (ツ)

\-- adamantineRegent [ AR ] has ceased pestering blossomingRadiance [ BR ] --

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual, comments serve as a lifeline and I cherish each one I get <3


	9. Act 1 Part 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Light Wendy <3< Bebe? In my fic? Perhaps.
> 
> Also, let it be known that this chapter is dedicated to the lovely @kafkaeskin, who y'all should go follow on tumblr immediately because mmm that art.... 
> 
> -Georgie

**_ OMNIPOTENT PESTERLOG SHENANIGANS PART 4_**  
  
CURRENT blossomingRadiance [CBR] RIGHT NOW opened memo on board “Sunshine Sparkle Sorority”  
  
CURRENT blossomingRadiance [CBR] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CBR: hey girls! :) :)   
CURRENT cosmopolitanConnoisseur [CCC] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CCC: hey baaabe!!   
CURRENT quintessentialSparkle [CQS] RIGHT NOW responded to memo.  
CQS: Hello!  
CBR: i have some great news! :)  
CCC: oh hon no need to tell us   
CCC: we know aaaaall bout it ;)  
CBR: ??  
CCC: dont act all cute and confused nicky  
CCC: we know youre hookin up again with token ;)  
CBR: what!!  
CCC: can't blame you tbh  
CCC: he out there looking like a snack ;)  
CBR: what!!!!!!!  
CQS: Bebe!  
CCC: aw come on wends  
CCC: just bc you got stan on a leash doesn't mean you can't appreciate all the other pups out there ;)  
CQS: That's still inappropriate.   
CQS: We're talking about Nichole's boyfriend here, not some random guy on the street.   
CQS: Also Stan is not a puppy.  
CCC: youre not denying you've got him on a leash though ;)  
CQS: I.  
CQS: We're both equals in our relationship!  
CBR: you guys!!  
CBR: token and i aren't back together!!  
CCC: what  
CBR: we just talked for a bit!!  
CBR: and besides, that happened less than five minutes ago! who told you!!  
CCC: an unreliable fucking source apparently   
CCC: UGH  
CCC: honestly nicky sometimes i just don't get you  
CBR: sorry?  
CCC: you got this delicious chocolate eclair throwing himself at you and you just keep shooting him down  
CCC: its so weird  
CQS: Okay, you can lay off with the creepy semi-racist objectification, Bebe.  
CQS: What Nichole does with her love life is her business.  
CQS: I will agree though that it's kind of weird you're so blatantly uninterested!  
CQS: From my experience, Token is a really sweet guy. And you seemed really happy dating him!  
CBR: yeah but that was before we all agreed to break up with our boyfriends, remember?  
CCC: pfft like that lasted  
CCC: i caught red macking on kevin like two weeks later behind the gym  
CCC: and wendy got back together with stan in the blink of an eye   
CQS: It took longer than that.  
CCC: it really didnt   
CBR: well  
CBR: my experience was a little different i guess!  
CQS: I hope it's not that old pact that's been keeping you away from him.  
CQS: We dissoluted that ages ago.  
CCC: never officially but yeah wends is right  
CBR: no, it's not just that. lots of other factors are at play too!  
CBR: it's not like he's been constantly hitting on me and i've been turning him down!  
CBR: this is the first time we've talked in weeks!  
CBR: and he didn't even hit on me! he was very friendly, in a strictly platonic sense!  
CBR: and i'm fine with keeping it that way!  
CBR: so really, i'd appreciate it if you guys let it rest!!  
CBR: you're my friends and i love you and all but this is really none of your business!!!  
CQS: Of course. Sorry for prying Nichole, you're right.  
CQS: Just know that if you need to talk to us though, we're always here for you <3  
CCC: damn right  
CCC: girl power bitchhhh <3 <3  
CBR: haha, i know. thanks <3  
CQS: So what did you want to tell us?  
CBR: oh, right!   
CBR: um, well, actually come to think of it...  
CBR: maybe i should just pm bebe! :)  
CCC: oooh, the plot thickens ;)  
CQS: What? Why?  
CBR: it's nothing against you, wendy! i just told token i was inviting one friend!   
CBR: and, well. that friend happened to be bebe :)  
CCC: ^3^  
CQS: Inviting for what?  
CBR: just a video game with the guys :)  
CCC: oooh me likey   
CCC: sounds great nicky, thanks for the invite <3  
CBR: no problem bebe! <3  
CQS: Why her?  
CBR: um, well, bebe is really good with guys! i could use her confidence :)  
CQS: I'm good with guys. I have a boyfriend!  
CCC: yeah depending on the time of day ;)  
CQS: ....  
CBR: bebe also is really good at video games! :)  
CQS: I play superheroes with the guys sometimes. And I like hacking.  
CBR: um  
CBR: i guess you just didn't really cross my mind, wendy!   
CBR: you're still one of my best friends <3  
CCC: seriously wends no need to get all jealous  
CCC: its just a quick game   
CCC: ill tell you alllllll the deets later ;)  
CCC: if i havent stolen stan from you by then hehe ;)  
CQS: ....  
CBR: bebe!!  
CCC: kidding, kidding  
CCC: hes not my type anyway  
CQS: Who else is playing?  
CBR: um, token gave me a list but i kind of forgot it!  
CBR: i remember fw, pa and cartman though!  
CCC: oh ewwww  
CQS: Hahaha.   
CCC: whatever, we'll totally kick his ass ;)  
CCC: is clyde gonna be there  
CCC: sorry *sb ;)  
CBR: i don't think so, sorry!  
CCC: oh damn it  
CQS: Hahahahaha.  
CBR: that reminds me, where's heidi?  
CQS: I'm not sure. Even after getting back on social media, it's pretty hard to reach her.  
CCC: ugh TELL ME ABOUT IT  
CQS: I feel kind of bad for her. She's been through a lot.  
CCC: maybe you can exchange relationship advice while sitting out of the game  
CCC: tell her how you got yours and stans relationship to be so functional ;)  
CQS: ...  
CCC: haha sorry that was mean  
CCC: anyway i need to go paint my nails  
CCC: gotta look good if im gonna play with a bunch of guys  
CBR: okay! i'll pm you later with the details of the game! :)  
CCC: sounds gucci to me  
CCC: see ya girls ;)  
CBR: bye! :)  
  
CBR ceased responding to memo.  
CCC ceased responding to memo.  
  
CQS: ... Bye.  
  
CQS closed memo.  


**_ OMNIPOTENT PESTERLOG SHENANIGANS PART 5_**  


\-- phantasmagoricalAnxiety [PA] began pestering fuckOff [FO] --  
  
PA: nGh craig  
FO: yeah.  
PA: did Yousee the m3mo??  
FO: yeah.  
PA: and are you gOaing to playy???  
FO: nah.  
PA: wHAT!!!!   
PA: wUhy not!!!!!  
FO: don't feel like it.  
PA: nGH craig you kno how frwaked oht i get when you vague me man!!  
PA: just zay wgats on your mind!!!!  
FO: i'm sitting this one out.  
PA: but how. cCome??  
FO: uh.  
FO: talk to clyde.  
FO: *sb.  
FO: fuck.  
  
\-- fuckOff [FO] is now an idle chum! --  
  
PA: wAhat the fucK man!!!  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know the drill: comments = everything to me ❤


	10. Act 1 Part 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Me, poking Omnipotent Shenanigans with a stick: okay it was fun you can leave now
> 
> Also sorry for such a late update!! forgive me blease uwu
> 
> -Georgie

**== > Reader: Return to the plot already.**

You are now ERIC CARTMAN again, someone both very un-omnipotent and, currently, very pissed off.

Nothing is going like you want it to.

Nothing!

Well, you managed to get THAT POOR KID on your team, so that's worth something, but except for that you have no fucking clue what's going on anymore.

JIMMY messaged you to let you know that SB wouldn't be playing, but that he and AR and PA would. But then something happened and now CHICKS are also going to be playing and it's uncertain if PA will play because he's trying to get FO to play but FO has been influenced by SB or something so now there's drama??

Fuck. These acronyms are starting to be less kewl, and more fucking confusing.

Whatever. The point is, there's chaos, and as usual it's up to you to solve everything.

God DAMN it.

**== > Eric: Solve everything as usual.**

Okay, okay, let's see what the ol' noggin can conjure up...

First you should probably review the events that have led to this course of action. 

Fine. Sounds dumb, but it's all the ol' noggin is offering, so you might as well roll with it. _Fine_.

**== > Eric: Review events.**

The overarching goal is, of course, to get that JEW to agree to play.

You're still not sure why you're so preoccupied with this, but you've had this odd fascination with him since forever and you don't see it stopping anytime soon. Nothing is worth doing if he's not around to do it with you-- whether you both agree or disagree on the matter. It's a fond hatred, a pitch black longing. And at this point, you'd rather just go along with it than sit and try to puzzle it all out.

Man, for someone so interested in RELATIONSHIPS and FEELINGS you're pretty shit at figuring your own out.

Anyway. You're getting off track.

In order to get the JEW, you need to feed one of his strongest, most primal Jewish emotions. 

Jealousy.

And in order to feed it, you need more people. 

Which was going really well until JIMMY messaged you telling you everything was going to shit!!

Fuck. Deep breaths.

From what you managed to glean from his message, PA and SB are in war over FO-- something about SB convincing FO not to play, and PA not being very happy about it. Go figure.

In a different time, you might've been excited to help them solve this lover's quarrel they're having, or at least meddle around with it, but right now you honestly couldn't give less of a shit.

The only thing this means for you right now is less people.

Which means less jealousy.

Which means less chance of getting the JEW'S interest. 

But apparently AR got some chicks to play, which topples the scales back in your favor.

Well, kind of anyway. Girls count less than guys when it comes to playing games. Not that the JEW ever agreed with you on that-- OC might be the one dating WENDY (girls aren't kewl enough for the acronyms) but _he's_ the whipped one.

Normally you'd chew AR out for that, but really at this point, you need all the support you can get. And if that support is girls... so be it.

Okay. Okay. Now you're kind of getting somewhere. You think.

Maybe a visual would be easier.

**== > Eric: Whip out visual.**

 

That's more like it!

Seeing everything mapped out like this has already filled you with a greater sense of internal peace. Or some gay shit like that.

Now that you're done mapping out everything, you can finally set forth to actually solving shit. 

**== > Eric: Actually solve shit.**

Alright, first things first: you'll have to drop the trio (the trio being SB, FO and PA).

You were kind of hoping it wouldn't come to this, considering FO and PA make a cute couple and aren't half bad to play with, but maybe it's all for the best. You just can't afford to get roped into their drama right now. Each second you waste is precious, damn it.

And besides, SB has been acting really weird lately. He keeps on crossing the street when he sees you, or ignoring your messages. It's almost like he's been _avoiding_ you. You can't think of a reason why, though. He can't still be mad about Somalia, right? It wasn't _your_ fault that he was too much of a pussy to hack it overseas.

Okay. So PA, SB and FO will have to go. Check.

 

Those three fuckwads excluded, SIX people are still down with playing, one of which is even in your close friend group (MM).

Maybe it's time to pester the JEW ?

**== > Eric: Pester Jew.**

Your eyes trail over to your phone, and you go to pick it u-- _wait_.

Wait, wait, wait.

There's one last thing you need to do before you can get this show on the road. It's on your list and everything, how could you come so close to nearly forgetting it?

Slowly, you pick up your phone and scroll to pesterchum. There, two fading blue letters await you. They say the owner is offline, but you doubt it-- anti-social fucker just likes to pretend that he is by fucking around with his visibility settings.

You click on his name, and watch as your old chat with him pops up.

Most of it consists of arguing about the JEW.

You and he have never been the closest, despite being in the same friend circle. He was always the JEW's jerkoff buddy, quick to leap to his defense and make your fight one vs two. Not that you really cared or anything. You still had MM. And besides, it's not like you can't hold your own in an argument.

Sometimes you get the feeling he's just as wrapped around the JEW's finger as you are, but in more of a fond way than a "I kind of want to kill you" way. This has been leading to some tension between the two of you lately.

Let's see if you can break that.

More specifically, let's see if _he_ can break that. That being the realms of JEWISH MIND CONTROL.

You type out a message. 

AF: heyyy oc  


He takes his sweet ass time to answer, but you try to keep your temper in check. Easy does it, after all.

Finally, your screen lights up.

OC: dude im on vacation  
OC: like  
OC: out of town  
AF: that doesnt mean u cant still chat w ur best friend riiiight  
OC: well it kind of does lol  
OC: i have basically no wifi  
OC: im running just on mobile data here  
OC: so if you could tell me what you need right off the bat and not keep me guessing your bullshit thatd be great thanks  


You glare at your phone a bit. OC must really be under that JEWISH MIND CONTROL-- he's sounding almost as snappy and demanding as the JEW himself.

You choke down your irritation as you type out your reply.

AF: wooow ok  
AF: i bust my ass trying 2 reach u  
AF: w8 at LEAST 10 mins  
AF: and this is the thx i get  
AF: so much 4 being FRENDS i GUESS  
OC: *friends   
AF: sorry am i talking 2 autocorrect or oc  
AF: bc if its autocorrect i want a goddamn refund  
OC: lol  
AF: look oc imma lay all my cards on the table here ok?? bc u and i are tight  
AF: SO tight  
AF: the tightest  
OC: dude if you want me to play your game the answers no  
AF: wtf!!!!  
AF: who said anythin abt a game?? pffft i already have tons of ppl playing it  
AF: u 2 losers would only b taking up space HAHAHA  
OC: yeah right  
OC: who agreed to play with you cartman  
AF: ok 1st off when im on pesterchum i go by af so jot that down  
AF: and 2cond none of ur business  
AF: just my REAL FRENDS ig  
OC: *friends  
AF: SHUT UP MARSH!!!  
OC: lol  
OC: no but fr whod you rope into this  
OC: butters probably. maybe token? clyde?  
AF: stan i s2g if you dont start going by their kewl internet names im gonna break UR balls the same way ur breaking mine  
AF: w8 shit  
AF: now uve got me doing it 2!!  
OC: ok fine whatever  
OC: *ha *ar *sb  
AF: much better  
AF: and 4 ur in4mation sb isnt even playin  
AF: he rudely declined my offer. much like you and your triple j buddy   
OC: triple jay what now  
AF: jewish x jinger x jersey  
OC: ginger is spelled with a g jackass  
AF: OOOhhh im SO SORRY MASTER AUTOCORRECT  
OC: and the reason im not playing has nothing to do with him  
AF: oh rlly?  
OC: yeah really  
AF: OH RLLY??  
OC: yeah really  
AF: OH RLLY??????  
OC: YEAH REALLY  
AF: wowww oc no need 2 get so aggressive  
AF: i was just asking  
OC: ugh  
OC: look dude just because kyles not playing doesnt mean im not playing  
OC: well i mean i AM not playing  
OC: but it doesnt have much to do with kyle  
AF: ***at  
OC: sure  
OC: its just that im in the middle of the bumfuck wilderness with my family and i really doubt ill be able to play anything on my shitty mobile data reliant cell phone  
OC: so yeah  
AF: well mm has the shittiest computer EVER and HES playin!!!!!  
OC: good for him lol  
AF:  
AF:   
AF: and fw is 2!!  
OC: ok  
AF: and  
AF: and uh  
AF:  
AF:  
AF: well pa isnt playing but weve got someone even better than that spaz  
AF: ha!!!!  
OC: i really dont care  
OC: and youre wasting my data  
AF: ALL UR CLOSEST FRENDS ARE PLAYING!!!!!!  
OC: no theyre not lol  
OC: kyles not playing. tweeks not playing. wendys not playing  
OC: just bc you got kenny on your side doesnt mean im gonna put my phones life on the line dude lol  
AF: WELL THEN FUCK U OC!!!!!!!!!!  
AF: FUCK U AND FUCK KAHL AND FUCK UR STUPID BITCHY--  


Wait.

Wait, holy shit.

Maybe you've been approaching all this wrong. Maybe you've really overestimated a) the JEW'S significance in OC's life and thus b) the force of JEWISH MIND CONTROL on depressed losers like OC.

Maybe the person needed to tip him to your favor, and thus unbalance the scales, is to recruit a more... feminine presence in his life.

Normally you wouldn't really drag HER into this, especially not ever since she beat you the fuck up on the playground, but drastic times call for drastic measures. And besides, you've already got like two CHICKS on your team. What's a third?

You take a deep breath, try to ignore how UNKEWL your friend is, and return to your typing.

AF: w8  
OC: wait what  
AF: w8 holy shit  
AF: dude... do u mean 2 tell me....... that u dont know???  
OC: know what  
AF: oc, oc.  
AF: foolish, childish oc.  
OC: since when do you use commas lol  
AF: since realizing how foolish & childish u r shut up  
AF: but srsly  
AF: u havent heard???  
OC: heard WHAT  
AF: qs is playing dude  
AF: i recruited her 2  
OC: what??  
OC: wendy???  
OC: no freaking way.  
AF: its true  
OC: nuh uh  
AF: yuh huh  
OC: she would tell me  
AF: how would she?? u said it urself: ur in the middle of the bumfuck wilderness with ur fam  
OC: i still have mobile data fatass  
AF: hey dont blame me!!!! im just trying 2 counsel your rapidly failing relationship  
OC: its not rapidly failing  
OC: its  
OC: idk  
OC: how the fuck did you get her to play a game with you?? when im not even present???  
AF: guess its just my natural charm  
OC: fuck off.  
AF: im a chick magnet oc  
AF: a ladies man   
AF: B)))  
OC: im going to ask her right now  
AF: go 4 it dude  
AF: but im just saying  
AF: ur gf is totally playing w/me & im working on getting pa there 2  
AF: toodles!!! xoxo  


You log off in a hurry, not even letting OC respond.

Holy tapdancing Christ, that was a bold move. Especially adding in PA-- you have no intention of trying to recruit him and all the drama he, FO and SB will inevitably bring, but it's enough to let OC _think_ you do. If you get his GIRLFRIEND to join you, everything else involving him will work itself out.

Now you just need to make sure you reach her before he does.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Blease give me comments, I drew y'all a diagram owo  
> #guiltrippingsince2018
> 
> \---
> 
> what an iconic request  
> \- classo


	11. Act 1 Part 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This took way too long and it's really short and I'm sorry ahjdusjsh  
> I'm gonna try to make more of a routinely update schedule  
> -Georgie

**== > Reader: Be the girl who needs to be convinced.**

Your name is WENDY TESTABURGER, and this is just absurd.

Two of your closest friends have been invited to play a game that apparently involves _your_ semi BOYFRIEND, while you haven't. They even made the plans in front of your face! You love your friends and all, but god, they can be such BITCHES sometimes.

Not to mention that now two guys are both messaging you simultaneously-- neither of who you feel like really talking to right now.

So instead, you're going to talk about YOURSELF.

Self-care _is_ important, after all.

Your name, like you said before, is WENDY. You're head of the debate team, and class president-- you like to take on empowering roles in order to promote a positive role model to all the young girls out there. 

Besides your intellectual pursuits, however, you have a number of other HOBBIES. Ice-skating, hacking, scrapbooking and _oh for fucks sake will these two assholes stop messaging you or what??_

You might as well see what they want. Just so they can get off your back.

You pick up your phone and turn it on. There, clouding your lockscreen (it's a picture of you and your sort of BOYFRIEND that you should probably delete) are like 50 unread messages. You feel anger coiling around your gut like a snake as you scroll through them.

OC: hey  
OC: wendy  
OC: not to bother you or anything but i was just talking to cartman and he said the craziest thing about you  
OC: nothing bad just uh  
OC: text me when you can?  
OC: im surviving solely on data lol  
OC: uh  
OC: yeah  
OC: love you 

You roll your eyes a bit. _Sure_ , he loves you. That's totally why he's playing a video game with every other bitch on the block and not even bothering to invite you.

As soon as the thought crosses your mind though, you feel bad. You don't know the full story, and besides, it's not HIS game. It's CARTMAN'S. He probably had no say in the matter.

You still don't feel like talking to him though.

The rest of the messages are from CARTMAN.

AF: hey  
AF: hey wendy  
AF: pssst  
AF: wendy  
AF: i mean qs   
AF: this is a matter of complete urgency  
AF: answer me rn  
AF: i see ur online  
AF: answer me u whore!!!  
AF: i mean uh  
AF: fuck where did the delete message thingy go  
AF: that waz autocorrect i s2g  
AF: i meant **wonderful person  
AF: idk how that became whore lmaoo  
AF: but fr answer me

You roll your eyes again, harder this time. If they could roll up back into your skull, they'd be doing that. 

Your curiosity saturated, you go to put your phone back down, but another "ping!" doesn't let you.

AF: ik oc is also probs messaging u  
AF: but trust me u gotta answer me b4 him  
AF: its about the game

...Well then.

You hate ERIC CARTMAN, and wouldn't trust him with an empty paper bag, but still. You're have to admit you're really upset about this whole game thing. How couldn't you be? It only happened like three minutes ago!

After a moment of hesitation, you know what to do.

Grabbing your phone, you flop back-first onto your bed and type out your reply.

QS: The second I think you're up to something, I'm leaving.  
AF: fucking finally my balls were falling asleep  
QS: Uh, TMI?  
AF: w/ever  
QS: Ugh.  
QS: What did you message me for?  
AF: the game  
AF: cant u read   
QS: I need more specifics than just "it's about the game", Cartman.  
AF: whats there 2 explain  
AF: ur invited to play w/me & the guys  
AF: the end  
QS: Who says I want to?  
AF: y wouldnt u  
QS: ...  
QS: Why did you tell me to message you before Stan?  
AF: its a v long and complicated story qs  
AF: 2 difficult to wrap ur dainty little mind around  
AF: i wouldnt want 2 trouble u w/the deets  
QS: Oh, screw off.  
AF: hahahahaha  
AF: ur so lame when u get mad  
QS: I'm not playing with you.  
AF: its not just me u kno  
AF: most of the guys are playing  
AF: and ar invited 2 of your frends didnt he?  
AF: it must really suck to be left out   
AF: im giving u a chance to get brought back in again  
AF: dont u want that??  
QS: ...  
QS: Why would you care?  
AF: geez qs i thought U were the one who said i have no feelings 4 anyone cept myself  
AF: but when i try 2 feel 4 sumeone else u shoot me down  
AF: indecisive much???  
QS: Fine, fine, sorry I asked.   
QS: I don't believe a word you're saying though.  
AF: u dont have 2  
AF: u just need 2 play  
QS: Why do I 'need' to play? You're acting really vague and I'm not frankly buying a word of it.   
QS: You're not doing this because you care. You need something from me. And you're hiding it from Stan.  
QS: What is it, Cartman?  
AF:  
QS: Tell me or I'm leaving.  
AF: jesus fucking christ FINE  
AF: ughhh do u probe with ocs dick like ur doing with my business??  
QS: Yep, I'm leaving.  
AF: nonono w8 hold on!!!  
AF: god itz true what they say abt girls not being able 2 w8 isnt it  
AF: like GAWD calm ur tits lmao  
QS: Just tell me what you need already, asshole!  
AF: I SAID FINE  
AF: so. uh  
AF: i h8 to admit it but. ur my only way to get oc to play  
QS: Wait. He's not already playing?  
AF: hes v close!!  
AF: but ur the tipping point  
AF: ur what makes the difference to him. if he's gonna play or not  
AF: ive been bribing him w/ different things and ur the only one thts working

This gives you a bit of pause. For the first time in a while, you find yourself blushing at the thought of Stanley Marsh.

QS: Did he... say that?  
AF: ive got the receipts right here  
  
\-- AF sent the file "receiptsbitch.txt" --   
  
AF: this is how he reacted wen i said u were playing  
QS:   
AF: also im ngl bebe is a slut & having her on our team will do nothing but distract ppl  
AF: at LEAST you can hack

You privately agree, but don't want to let him know that.

QS: Bebe is not a slut.  
QS: She's just... promiscuous.  
AF: which is a fancy word for slut   
AF: thats not the point tho  
AF: the point IS  
AF: will you play??

You look away from your phone a minute, trying to weigh the best option. 

If you don't play, not much will change. STAN will return from his vacation soon, you'll hang out once or twice in your typical disinterested fashion, and your friends will tell you all about the game later.

If you do play, though...

You might get STAN back. Like. Really back. For the first time in... weeks? Months? Years? You can't remember the last time you felt like you two really had something.

And if you play, BEBE, though you love her, will finally shut her damn whore mouth.

**== > Wendy: Make your decision.**

QS:  
QS:   
QS: I'm in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this is a short chapter, but comments are always appreciated!


End file.
